27 - Make Mine a 99

Finally, some fucking sunshine. As if things hadn't been bad enough this summer, it's been the wettest June since records began. Since records began. Un-fucking-believable. Maybe that's why it's all kicked off the past few weeks. When the sun's shining and everybody's out and about, then there's enough trade for everyone, but when it's day after day of cold, shitty grey days then the market for ice cream gets a little bit more limited. Today's good, though. Today's pukka. I've got through a box and a half of cones and it's not even two o'clock. If it carries on like this, I'll have to restock, just so I don't run out when the schools let out at 3.30.

Speaking of which, shouldn't these kids be in school? Don't get me wrong, I like the fact they're out here, but you probably don't see the Germans or the Japanese letting their kids bunk off a Strawberry Mivvi, do you? Come to think of it, I'm not even sure they've got ice cream in those places. Germans probably do, but I dunno about the Japanese. If they do, it's probably all raw fish and hot green mustard. Still, for better or worse, there's nothing more British than an ice cream cone on a sunny day. We might not have an empire any more, but you can still rely on the ice cream van to turn up and make things just a little bit brighter. It's not like driving an ambulance or raising money for charity, but I like to think I'm doing my bit in making people's lives a bit better. I mean, look at that little bleeder there. Ice cream all over his face, but he couldn't be happier. Like a pig in shit, he is. Smiles like that make it all worthwhile. I'm not one of those people who goes too soppy over kids – some of them are right little arseholes and no mistake – but selling 'em ice cream's probably the best job I've ever had. Better than working the rigs and, let me tell you, the money's almost as good. I thought Terry was exaggerating when he told me about it, but if anything he kind of understated it. Hopefully the weather'll hold for a bit and I won't have to start looking around for something else. What happened to global warming, eh? We'd better get a good summer from here on out, because otherwise me and Lisa won't be going to Florida in September. She's a fucking nut for rollercoasters, Lisa is, and I've been promising her that we'll go over to Disneyworld and Universal Studios and that. But if this weather don't pick up, I don't know whether we can afford it. It's bollocks, but what am I supposed to do? I can't control the clouds in the sky, can I? I'm doing everything I can, for fuck's sake.

Ha. Some stupid posh tart just complained that I sold her little boy a cider flavoured ice lolly, as if it had real cider in it or something. Daft cow. Felt like telling her about some of the other stuff that gets sold out of ice cream vans, but that wouldn't do no good. No-one outside the firm needs to know about that. Anyway, she was making all sorts of fuss and insisted that I swap it for an orange one. Don't nobody want orange lollies anymore, so I had to rootle around in the bottom of the chest freezer. Found one right at the bottom, just underneath the Two-Ball Screwballs and just next to Frank's head. That's been in there since last night, when me and Tel took it off Frank's shoulders with a chainsaw. It was supposed to be a negotiation, but me and Tel didn't have any intention of doing business with that fat wanker, so we did what we had to. Part of me wants to tell the stuck up mum about Frank's head, but I don't think she'd see the funny side. I do, though. I think it's fucking hilarious. Maybe that's why I'm in such a good mood. That and the sunshine. I was supposed to get rid of Frank's head yesterday, but I didn't have a chance. I'll do it when the after-school rush dies down. Won't be a problem - I'll chuck it in the incinerator in Bexleyheath. In the meantime, I've got to keep an eye out – not just for Old Bill, but also for any of those Mr Freezy cunts. We told them before – the park and everything south belongs to us, but will they listen? 'Course not, cheeky fuckers.

Mr Freezy. Honestly. What sort of name is that? It just shows them for what they are: Johnny-come-latelys who don't know the first fucking thing about the ice cream game. Whippy, Softee, even a Creamee's ok, but Freezy? It just don't sound right. Ice cream's supposed to be friendly and inviting. Freezy sounds like a brutal winter. It don't make you think of summer days, you know what I mean? But, truth be told, that crew have been a bit fucking brutal. I mean, not so bad that we can't handle, but the cocky bastards came on to our patch and have been nicking our customers for months. Another year, we might have let it go, but with the economy the way it is and all this shitty weather, well, there's only room for so many noses at the trough, you know what I mean? So, yeah, things have got a little bit out of hand, but to be honest it was them that started it. The young one, Keith, he come in The Wheatsheaf the other week and starts giving it the big 'un, saying that him and his uncle are taking over. Me and Tel were just having a quiet pint, but that mouthy sod wouldn't let it go, so Tel smacked him one. Since then, it's all been kicking off. Started off harmless enough, just slashing tyres and that, but on the Jubilee weekend it all got serious and that's how come bits of Frank ended up in my chest freezer. It’s not just his head we put in there. We’ve got fingers, toes, the bits of skin where his tattoos were - anything that could be used to identify him. It’s my job to get rid of these bits, so we can’t be tied to it, but then the sun come out this morning and, well, I’ve got to make a living, haven’t I? Maybe it's a bit of a risk, but I don’t give a fuck. I'm not letting Lisa down. Not again.

I know I've got to take Frank's bits to the incinerator,  there's part of me that really wants to take his head and leave it on his wife's doorstep. She must be wondering where he is by now and I'd love it if I could tell her. I'd drive up to that mock-tudor shithole, drop the head on her doormat and ring the bell, before hopping back in the van and driving off. I'd make sure I played the chimes, so they know who done it. (We use "Greensleeves", because we're a proper ice cream van. Those cunts use "La Cucaracha", which is just stupid.) Imagining her expression as she sees Frank's frozen head looking up at her is keeping me going through the day. Truth be told I'm kind of on autopilot as I'm handing out cones, lollies and drinks. That's one of the perks of the job, really. Even the most complicated ice cream is a simple formula. Cone, squirt, nuts, sauce, flake, £3 please. I could do it with my eyes closed, which allows me to concentrate on what the blowback's gonna be for offing Frank. I'd like it if they all got the message and fucked off back up north, but I reckon that's just wishful thinking. It took some balls to come down to an area they don't know, with no backing, and try to make a name for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I still hate the fuckers, but you've got to admire their entrepreneurial spirit. That Keith's a mouthy one, but the older one, Patrick, he's the one most likely to get nasty. I've got a feeling that if any one person gets the blowback, it'll be Tel. Don't get me wrong, he's a fucking diamond, but he's getting on and he ain't got the same fire he used to. He's got weaker since his operation and everyone knows it. If they do come for him, do I have his back? Few years ago, there wouldn't have been any doubt, but everything changes and once they've had their eye-for-an-eye, we might be able to sort out a deal. One less mouth to feed means maybe I can take on the vans single handed and that would sort out a load of my problems. Tel got me into this game, but that don't mean I've got to put up with his skimming off the top for the rest of my days.

I'm wondering what it would be like to be in business for myself when a kid in front of me starts bawling his eyes out as I hand him his ice cream. Not that unusual, but it snaps me out of my thoughts.

"What's the problem, sonny?" I ask him. "Did you drop a bit on the floor?"

He just keeps on screaming and I can see a concerned mum in the background making her way over.

"Come on," I say, not wanting to deal with another stuck-up yummy mummy who thinks every geezer around wants to lick her fanny, just cause she can get back into her yoga gear. "Don't be like that. What's the matter?"

I glance at the cornet I just handed him and I suddenly see what the problem is. Instead of a flake sticking out of the top, there's a stubby finger with hair on the knuckles and a gold sovereign ring.

Frank's ring.

Frank's finger.

Exactly where the chocolate flake's supposed to be. "Oops!" I say, reaching over and snatching the cone out of the little bleeder's hands before he has a chance to say anything. "That's for adults only."

I chuck an ice lolly at him and slide the window shut, just seconds before his mum steps up. Time to call it a day, I think. Sun or no sun.

25 - In Conversation With Albert Bassom

Excerpt from The Journal of Murder Vol. 72, Issue 2

After establishing himself as one of the foremost proponents of the classical school of poisoners, Bassom shifted direction in 1972, eschewing his previous methods and embracing what he termed the “New Brutalism”. This excursion was marked by the savage beating of Claude Bastopoule, whose body was found in Montmartre on 4th October 1972. In this excerpt from an interview held at the Annual Symposium on Premeditated Death, he talks to Peter Cohen about his dissatisfaction with traditional ideas of class, the ennui of contemporary murder and his attempts to redefine the notion of premeditation.

Peter Cohen: Up until this point you had always been known for a strong sense of artistry in your work. It wasn’t uncommon to have your murders described by critics as beautiful or touching and I think I’m right in saying that there was a very strong sense of history involved.

Albert Bassom: No-one knew more about ancient poisons than me!

PC: Well, exactly. I always felt that you were a… custodian, I suppose, of the grand tradition. I’m curious as to what led to you discarding this notion.

AB: I don’t know if there was any one moment that made me think “Oh, I need to change everything”, but there was certainly a growing sense of unease about the very notion of there being a “grand tradition”. I suppose you have to place it in the context of the time. After the student riots in Paris I think a lot of artists, writers, even murderers, were forced to evaluate the political implications of their work in a way that we had not before. It wasn’t just the Marxists who were doing it. Even those on the right or the centre, they too had to think about the implications of what we were doing. At that time it felt like the world was changing and that the old models simply wouldn’t work any more. Everything was political. Everything. Why should murder be any different? It could not. The displeasure I felt was coming through in all sorts of ways. The two pieces I did before Bastopoule were very tired. I wasn’t happy with them at all, even though to the critics raved about them. They said that they were the very embodiment of the classical tradition - perfectly constructed murders with undetectable poisons and perfect alibis - but to me, they were nothing but shit - empty gestures with no meaning. The press they were hailing them as masterpieces, but I felt dead inside, as dead as the victims.

PC: There was no satisfaction?

AB: There was no excitement! All around me, people were struggling, fighting, bleeding for something and here I was, fiddling around with chemical compounds and wealthy dowagers. I felt completely out of step with the times. I could feel a rage building up inside of me and for the first time, I thought I should explore this rage rather than control it. In my whole career, it had always been about concealing the intention, hiding the emotion so that you can avoid detection. This began, I think, because of self-preservation, but along the way it became an indulgence. I grew tired of thinking of murder as an intellectual exercise and I wanted to explore the primal savagery at it’s heart. For all the analysis and criticism writers like you generate, this is still an act of violence. Dressing it up as if it were poetry or ballet or architecture seemed fundamentally dishonest.

PC: It’s ironic, though, that this came about as a result of what you describe as a political awakening. Do you think there’s an inherent tension in making a conscious decision to act without thinking?

AB: Oh, certainly. But that tension speaks to the core of us, I think. We are all stretched between our desires and our thoughts. That is the essence of existence. But recognition of that fact doesn’t make it any less valid. And, just to go back to what you said for a moment, I take issue with the idea that politics is somehow the realm of the intellectual. It’s a venal, bloody business about domination and power, the subjugation of one life into another. So, you see, it’s a very natural fit with the business of what we do, no? 

PC: Oh, certainly. But when one thinks of political murder, one thinks of Brutus and Caesar, or Che Guevara-

AB: The classical model again. You see, it’s the notion that politics is the realm of the statesman, of these faraway gods who rarely deign to involve themselves with the petty concerns of mortals. The same thing had happened with murder. The intellectualisation of the craft made it removed from the reality. Those of us who were involved somehow thought that there was a distinction between what we did by choice and what the common man did through rage. This elitism is what first led to the establishment of the societies, journals and so forth of which we’re all familiar and by whose patronage we are sitting here today. And this is not to say that these things don’t have their place and value, but for me, at that time, I felt that what had started as a means of elevating and expanding human knowledge of death was, in fact, inhibiting it. There was such a snobbishness about murder amongst the intellectuals and I was having these crazy arguments with people. They would say things like: “Well, hitting someone over the head with a blunt object isn’t really murder” and I would get really angry. I would have these long rows, but I could tell that it wasn’t getting me anywhere. As time went on, I spent less and less time with those people. I just couldn’t take it any more. I was getting very depressed. I would start planning a new piece and I would walk away within twenty minutes. 

PC: What sort of things were you working on?

AB: I had thought my next development would be in acids. It’s difficult to recall the details, but I think I was looking for a way to slowly corrode someone from the inside. Which is an interesting idea, I suppose, but at the time it seemed to be just an extension of the same old chemistry homework I had been doing for the past twenty years. I think… actually, I’m fairly sure it was the hippies who gave me the idea for that one. It was a play on words, I suppose. Acid meaning LSD and acid meaning corrosive materials. It wasn’t very well worked out. Again, it was that intellectual exercise: playing with words, creating puns, that sort of thing.

PC: What did you think of the hippies? Were you an advocate of free love?

AB: The hippies didn’t interest me greatly. It all seemed to be about drugs and bad music.

PC: You weren’t an advocate of free love, then?

AB: No, not at all. I think there’s always a price for love. There’s always a price for everything. 

PC: So how would you describe your political allegiances at this time?

AB: I don’t think I would be able to, either now or then. I wasn’t particularly interested in factions and ideologies so much as overall sense of chaos and upheaval. I went to a few meetings of some groups and they didn’t interest me much. It seemed to be the same sort of abstract bickering I had seen in conferences such as this one. It wasn’t so much that I was drawn to any movement, but repelled from what I had already known. I didn’t want to go to rallies and hear speeches. I had heard enough oratory for a lifetime. I rejected eloquence and everything that came with it. It was only when I attended court to pay a parking fine that I found what I had been searching for. I watched the prisoners being brought through and entering their pleas and I saw the real nature of murder that I had been seeking. Here were the people who killed not through some intellectual or artistic pretension, but for other, more pertinent reasons. Money, love, sex, envy, frustration, greed… it was all so much more real. After that, I would sit in the gallery of the courthouse and listen to the trials. The expert testimony didn’t interest me, but the voices of the people on trial were fascinating to me. After all the meandering and the blah-blah-blah of the intellectuals, I found myself confronted with the authentic voice of fatal violence. Time and time again, I heard these people testify and give their reasons for killing another human being and do you know what the most frequent answer they gave was?

PC: I don’t know.

AB: Exactly! They would say: “I don’t know”. Time and time again, no matter what the circumstances, they would say that they didn’t know why they did it, they just did. And this to me, as someone who had spent years thinking about the conscious thought behind every aspect of murder, this was like a revelation. I thought then, I must explore this for myself.

PC: And this is what led you to Claude Bastopoule?

AB: Not directly. I did not run out of the courthouse to kill. While I had the inclination to do something less measured, I was aware of the fact that these men that had inspired me were in the court. For all their vitality and passion, they were idiots who could not evade capture. The question then was how to fuse what I knew with what I did not know. I had to unlearn the fripperies, but retain the core notion of killing and getting away with it. I decided then that I must start from scratch. No more poisons. No more high society murders. No more artifice and no more bullshit. The work from then on must be direct and it must be truthful. I had to cast off the mantle of artistry and instead focus on the brutality of the deed. To do anything else would be rank hypocrisy.

PC: How would one go about preparing for something like that? Did you have a plan of action, or did that run against the principle of the exercise?

AB: I had no plans. What I prepared instead were contingencies. I knew that I did not want to poison more grandmothers, but I formed no other picture of the sort of person I might murder. Instead, I went through a process of readiness, where I felt I could be ready to act impulsively when the opportunity arose. It was a very difficult thing, to work against one’s training like that. After decades of being careful and measured, trying to operate on my natural urges was not without it’s challenges. At every point, I questioned myself. With every decision, I had to ask whether it was my brutal self that was making the decision, or if it was a result of a lifetime of programming. Often, I didn’t come up with an answer, which to me, as someone who was always so controlled and measured, was a scary feeling. But with that fear came power and freedom.

PC: Did you have any notion of how your next murder would take place, or did you leave everything to chance?

AB: I knew that I would not use poisons. I had spent decades perfecting the undetectable, untraceable murder and could extemporise at length about how poisons were the purest form of murder, because the human body is made of organic matter and so on and so forth. I had grown tired of my own philosophy, so I turned to the most primal methods I could imagine. At first I thought it would have to be with my bare hands, because really that was the only pure way. I trained for a while, in wrestling and kickboxing, but I was never really that good at it. If I had been younger, I might have been able to pursue it, but by that point I didn’t really have a full grasp of the skills required. And, you know, I had tried to get myself into some situations to see how I would do, bar fights and the like, but I did not come off well from them. I got beaten up! I would have bruises and cuts and I would have to spend weeks recovering. And, you know, when I was laying in my bed I realised that it was stupid to try and enter a fair fight. Murder is not a competition, it is an act perpetrated on one person by another. If two men enter a boxing ring and fight and then one of the men dies, is that murder? The men are trying to beat each other, but it is a contest of rough equivalents. When it comes to murder, even impulsive murder, one must put the victim at a disadvantage. Now, I didn’t have the physical strength to do this with my hands, so I looked for a weapon. I chose the knife, but I didn’t want to be an expert, so I decided to use my left hand. I didn’t train with it, but I would practice getting it out of my pocket. That was the extent of it. Of course, when the time came, I couldn’t get the knife out of my pocket in time and I had to improvise.

PC: Was there just a moment when you thought “I’m ready”?

AB: No, no. It happened quite by chance, which was wonderful. As I said before, I made contingencies, but I did not plan. How it happened was that I had been visiting friends in Montmartre, just for dinner, you know, and as I left their home I was walking toward the Metro and there was this little park on one of the streets. As I was walking past it, I saw that this man was in there, all by himself. I didn’t know what he was doing, but something made me walk towards him. I had the knife in my pocket - I carried it everywhere at that time - but I didn’t take it out beforehand. As I got closer to the man, I saw that he was just taking a piss, you know, and from the way he was swaying I could tell that he was drunk. I was by this small rockery and I picked up this heavy stone and walked up towards him. I didn’t know if he was going to turn around, if he could hear me, if he knew I was there or anything. For me, who had always been so controlled and calculated, it was a liberating experience. It wasn’t calculated. I just picked up the rock and - BOP - smashed it against the back of the head.

PC: But you did a little more than that, didn’t you?

AB: Well, yes. I had to. A single blow is not brutal. It is not savage. A single blow to the back of the head that a man does not see, this is a kindness and this is not what my journey was about. After the first blow, he went to the floor and I turned him over and I struck him again and again with the rock. It is hard work, to crush a man’s skull this way. It takes persistence and brute force. In that moment, I understood what our ancestors must have felt like. I’m talking here about the neanderthals and the like. Their death dealings were not pretty. They were not elegant in any sense. Tapping into that rage was an experience of pure humanity in an unadulterated form. I found that once I started, I could not stop.

PC: I believe it took some weeks for Bastopoule to be identified?

AB: That’s correct.

PC: What was the reaction like when the news came out about the murder? How was it received? 

AB: By the general media, or within our circles?

PC: Both, I suppose. By the general public, first of all.

AB: Well, the strange thing was that it didn’t get much attention in the press. The man had been drunk and poor, so it wasn’t seen as much of a priority to the police, which I thought was very telling about French society. The fact that it was seen as no big deal brought about the political aspect that I had not intended, but that was part of the chaotic nature of events. One thing happens, sparking another thing and another. Another example - the fact that he was taking a piss at the time meant that he had his penis out. That made the police think that he was a homosexual and that it had been a gay-bash. Just another dead queer, they think, so why bother to investigate? I mean, they did, but their attempts were cursory at best. They never put much effort into it, which I thought spoke very poorly of them. It was disgusting, how little effort they put in. As for my so-called contemporaries, most of them didn’t even want to discuss it. I made a point of going to the club at the Rue Morgue for a little while after just to eavesdrop on gossip, you know, and all these snobs were pooh-poohing it, saying it was just the work of immigrants. I would talk to them, saying “don’t you think there’s something interesting here” and they would just dismiss it. “No,” they said, “this is not what we’re about.” The snobbery involved was ridiculous. 

PC: When did you reveal that you were responsible?

AB: It was at the monthly review. At that time, the club at the Rue Morgue held these little events where people could go up and present their latest works. It was all rather pompous, you know, as these things tend to be. Some people would show slides and talk about how their murders related to the symbols of the Mayans or that they were representations of the collective unconscious. It was all a lot of hogwash. Still, I knew the fellow who arranged these things and I said that I would like to speak at the next event. He seemed a little surprised, because usually we all knew each other’s business - who was killing who and how - because the homicidal intelligentsia was a relatively small crowd and rather inbred, socially speaking. I say to him that I have something new to talk about, but that I cannot give anything away. He says “Ok” and at the end of the month I stand up at the podium. Everyone there is expecting some intricate, detailed plot because I am known for this sort of thing. But I get up in front of this distinguished crowd of murderers - and these were some of the most pre-eminent murderers of the time-

PC: Like who?

AB: Oh, the usual names. De La Croix, Petit Ganache, Henri Larochelle. Gregory Hastings, I think was there. All the major names of the time and I stand up in front of all these pre-eminent murderers and critics and I say: “I killed Claude Bastopoule. I bashed his brains in with a rock.” Well, they didn’t believe me at first. “Impossible”, they said. “There’s no way that Bassom, the elegant, intelligent murderer, could do such a thing.” Eventually, I had to show them a piece of Bastopoule’s skull to convince them. It still had blood and brain matter dried on it, but they didn’t want to believe that I had done it. Larochelle had tears in his eyes when he asked why I had committed such a base crime. I told him that it was because I wanted to be free. He didn’t understand what I was talking about and I was something of an outcast after that. They were talking about forcing me to leave the club at the Rue Morgue, but then Tibor Sienkiewicz wrote an article in the Journal defending my work. That gave me a little bit of credibility, even if the chin-strokers didn’t like it, they had to grudgingly concede that it was valid. If it hadn’t been for Sienkiewicz and that article, I might have lost interest in killing entirely. 

To read more of this transcript, including Bassom’s full lecture on the use of prehistoric tools in a modern setting, please order the The Journal of Murder’s Annual Review, available from your club secretary.

23 - Pathology

Transcript of recording. 4^th May 2012

MP: The time is 4:47 pm on 4^th of May 2012. I’m Milton Povey, medical examiner for Maynard County, conducting an autopsy on a caucasian male identified as George Withers. Subject is 170cm in height and weighs 164 pounds. I would estimate his age to be in late forties, early fifties. Hair is brown, eyes brown. There’s a small birthmark on his left patella which looks to me to be in the shape of… let’s see… a horse’s head. Uh… there’s an old scar on his abdomen, most from probably an appendectomy. From the age of the scar tissue, I would say the procedure was conducted at least twenty years ago… Moving on… there’s a series of wounds on the upper chest. I count… seven, each measuring… 3 centimetres across… and with depths from 8 to… 12 centimetres. This suggests a repeated stabbing motion. From the angle of the wounds I can tell that the blade was thrust upwards, suggesting that the assailant was shorter than the victim. Looks like a large blade and there’s tearing of the flesh at the bottom of each wound, suggesting a serrated edge such as a hunting knife. I’m taking pictures of the wounds now.

[Sound of camera]

MP: As you can see, there are small bruises at the top and bottom of wounds “A”, “C” and “F”, the shape and position of which would suggest the knife was buried to the hilt. It looks as if there was some small ornamentation on the handle, which may of use to investigators… Um… there are defensive wounds on both right and left hands, conducive to a struggle. Taking samples from under the fingernails now.

[Humming]

MP: Samples have been collected from the right hand and marked Alpha 1 through six.

[Humming]

MP: And the left are marked Beta 1 to 6. These will be shipped to the lab ASAP for DNA analysis. Ok. Right. Moving on to the internal examination, I’m beginning with the “Y” incision across the chest and down the abdomen. Making the first incision… now. And the second…. And the third. Now to break open the chest cavity. Unfortunately, it seems that someone has walked off with my bone saw and rib-spreader, so I’ll have to make do with my Black and Decker jigsaw and a tyre wrench. 

[Sounds of electric sawing and cracking bones.]

MP: Well… gosh… that’s… I mean…

[Sound of vomiting]

MP: Excuse me. I think the sandwich I had for lunch may have been off. Oh dear. Well… continuing on… There’s the heart. I mean, it’s present and there’s… holes in it… which I assume are from the knife… I mean… there are several lacerations on the cardiac tissue, consistent with the angle and position of the exterior knife wounds. The left lung is punctured and deflated and given the fact that the….six, seven, eighth rib is broken on that side, I would say that this is again a result of the knife wounds. Just checking and I would say that wound “D” is the one that punctured the lung and wounds… “B” and “C” caused the contusions on the heart itself. Well… um… I’m going to start removing the organs now, so they can be weighed and measured. I’ll start by severing the-

[Indeterminate noise]

MP: Hello? Is someone there?

Hello?

[Sound of door opening]

DC Rudolph: Police. Is there anyone else here with you?

MP: Oh, hello officer. I’m still in the middle of an examination. If you wouldn’t mind waiting, it shouldn’t be too long now.

DC Rudolph: Is there anyone else here with you?

MP: No, I gave my assistant the day off. I believe she’s gone to some sort of rock concert. You should see her, tattoos and piercings and all.

DC Rudolph: Put the knife down and back away from the table.

MP: I beg your pardon?

DC Rudolph: Put the knife down and back away from the body.

MP: Officer, I understand that you’re under pressure, but I’ve got a job to do here. I appreciate that your superiors are probably demanding answers, but please believe me when I say that I’m trying to help you. 

DC Rudolph: This is your last warning. Put the knife down and back away from the table.

MP: Very well, but I don’t see what this is going to accomplish.

DC Rudolph: Turn around.

[Sound of handcuffs]

DC Rudolph: I am arresting you for the murder of George Withers. You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not say something which you later rely on in court. Do you understand?

MP: This is preposterous. I’m just doing my job.

[Sound of radio]

DC Rudolph: Echo Charlie, this is Echo 4. Arrested a suspect and need  transportation. The address is Flat B, 34 Weltree Gardens, in the basement. There’s a body at the scene. Going to need SOCOs.

[Humming]

MP: Whooooo… are you? Do do. Do do.

DC Rudolph: And maybe a psychiatrist.

22 - Local Man Gets Life

MARIETTA, GA. William Jefferies was found guilty of four counts of second-degree murder at the state court yesterday. His case received nationwide attention after Jefferies was involved in a series of bizarre incidents that saw him attempting to take his own life, but killing others in the process. The first of these failed suicides took place in 2005, when Jefferies threw himself off Chattahoochee River Bridge. Rather than fall in the water, however, Jefferies landed on Reginald Dwight, who was steering a cargo barge under the bridge at the time. The incident was ruled an accident, but Jefferies was ordered to receive  psychological counseling. Two years later, however, Jefferies again attempted to take his own life, this time by driving his car at high speed into a concrete highway median. Again, he failed to take his own life, but his car veered sharply and struck the vehicle of Kenneth and Felicity Trount, who were both killed instantly. It was at this point that investigators began to seek charges against Jefferies. “While we accept Mr Jefferies’ statement that he has no intention of hurting anyone but himself, we feel his arrest is necessary for public safety,” said Cobb County sheriff Michael Peabody at the time.

The arrest and subsequent trial was hard on Jefferies, who tried - and failed - to take his own life again in 2010, this time by asphyxiation by exhaust fumes. A neighbor noticed smoke coming from Jefferies’ garage and pulled him to safety, but neither man was aware of the fact that a homeless man, Wendall Parsons, was sleeping in Jefferies’ garage. Parsons succumbed to the fumes and his name was added to the indictment. Despite proceedings being delayed for his recuperation, Jefferies ended up pleading no contest to the charges. Any hope he might have had that the state would do for him what he himself had repeatedly failed to accomplish were dashed when Judge Randolph Hunt commuted the death sentence in favor of life imprisonment.

21 - Composite

“My name is Eileen Papadoukis. I run the shop on Halsey Road.”

“Jasper Green. 67 Halsey Road. Date of birth, 10^th October 1951.”

“Navinder Chakravarti. N-A-V-I-N-D-E-R C-H-A-K-R-A-V-A-R-T-I.”

Tell me what happened, so the spirit can find justice and there can be peace in the universe. 

“It was about quarter to twelve.”

“It was mid-day.”

“I don’t have a watch.”

Time is relative. Perhaps there is a black hole on the corner of Halsey Road and Rochester Avenue. That would account for the relative time dilation. See here, on the outer arm of the Andromeda Galaxy. It could be just like this. Do you see?

“I saw a man, young man, come walk past the shop. He was staggering, like he was drunk.”

“You could tell that there was something wrong with him, you know?”

“Yeah, I saw him, but he looked OK, far as I could tell.”

This is Terry Hollins. We know him. We know what he looks like. Now his mortal form has died, but his energy lives on in other forms. He’s here with us now, listening. Have a seat, Tel. Tell. Tell us about the other man.

“He bump into someone, just on the way past.”

“I don’t think the boy meant anything by it.”

“He started it, though, calling the guy a… y’know.”

Ah, and the timelines diverge. Reality expands and contracts as Terry Hollins minds his own business and starts some shit all at once.

“Wrong person to pick on, because he don’t take none.”

“The lad just brushed past, but straight away, he’s on him.”

“Chased after him, he did, saying ‘you f-er, what the f’ and all.”

Tell me about him. What did he look like?

“I don’t know. What do they all look like?”

“He was white.”

“Seemed like Turkish or Armenian or something.”

“Or maybe middle eastern.”

“Not Greek. I’ll tell you that.”

The suspect’s face strobes slowly through a range of colours, his features still indistinguishable as the pores of his skin buckle and pulse. The tone of his flesh changes, never settling on a single hue. That’s OK. That will come in time. Need details, other details.

“He was about my height. What? 6 foot 2.”

“I’d say… average. About 5’9”.”

“Who can say? Taller than me, but most people are.”

We’re looking for someone with a concertina for a spine. In addition to the chameleonic skin, this perpetrator is able to vary his height within a range of at least a foot. The boys down in forensics posit that this is probably due to some kind of hollow cartilage that allows him to extend his body, not unlike the ribcage of a mouse.

“Wearing one of those hood things. Black.”

“Blue t-shirt with a logo. No, I don’t know what one.”

“Dark red tracksuit. Adidas one, I think, with the stripes on the arms.”

The flickering hues of the clothes clash with the flurry of his skin. It’s difficult to keep watching, but I must. I have to get to the truth. Even though the details make no sense, they help me to get closer.

“He ran over to the other guy and grabbed him by the arm.”

“Didn’t move, just called after him and told him to come back.”

“Slapped the back of his head, he did.”

He can stand still and run at the same time. I think we might be dealing with an extra-dimensional being. A creature that exists in all aspects of the multiverse, able to cross and merge them at will. Either that, or he has very long arms, like an octopus. Which is more plausible? Multiple arms or multiple universes? I’m not sure which is more terrifying. Oh god, what if both are true?

“The drunk boy didn’t even feel it. He kept walking.”

“When they stood there, face to face, that’s when I thought ‘oh boy, here’s trouble’.”

“He was trying to get away, but the guy wouldn’t let go.”

I’ve read the autopsy report on Terry Hollins several times and nowhere - nowhere - does it say anything about him having two faces. None of his family mentioned it either, not even in a figurative sense. So where does this confusion about which way they were facing come? I’m thinking of putting out a warrant for Janus, the Roman god of transitions. Is he an accomplice. Or is he here in the room with us. He had two faces, not three, but who’s to say how many visages can hide under a hoodie? This is difficult. I can’t get sidetracked by the possibility that Hollins is a Roman god. Focus on the perpetrator. Look at the photofits. See where they match.

Eyes far apart

Flat nose.

High brow.

Beady eyes.

Beard, but a thin one.

Crooked chin.

Pointed nose. 

Clean shaven. Definitely.

And the details just don’t match up. He has more facial features than a Guess Who? board, flipping and flapping the tiles over again and again without any sort of endgame. His face pulls apart and pushes together like a print on elastic, stretching and kneading without ever settling into a defined identity. This, combined with the flickering skin tone and the rapidly changing colour and shape of his clothes make him hard to miss, but impossible to watch. Still, they try their best to relate the actions of this fitful creature and we should be grateful for that.

“And then he spin him round and hit him, woosh, right in the tummy.”

“I thought it was just a punch at first. I didn’t see the knife.”

“I thought the guy was weak, going down so easily.”

“Then I saw the blood and I knew.”

“I heard them screaming at each other, but I stayed in the shop.”

“When he fell to the floor, I realised what had happened.”

“I thought he dropped the knife.”

“I didn’t see any knife.”

“He took it with him.”

We didn’t find a knife. Now that I’m lookiing at our suspect, our terrible, multifaceted thing, I’m wondering if there really was any kind of blade, or if there’s a retractable claw in one of those many arms of his. Is this what the constant state of change is concealing - the true form of the killer, with flailing limbs to distract and then a razor sharp barb that protrudes from his form, into your flesh and then back into the hidden tendrils? I feel water all around me, the brine stinging my eyes and making it even more difficult to see. 

“He ran off towards the station.”

“He shouted something as the boy lay on the floor, then went in the direction of the park.”

“Fucking guy kicked him when he was down. Then he walked towards the estate.”

The current is strong, pulling in different directions at once. The foam crashes over me, but the worst part is the undertow. I can’t keep my head above water. The darkness is too strong. I can feel that flittering, flashing, changing thing in the waster beside me and all I want is something to hold on to, something to keep me above water, but the darkness is everywhere.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“That’s what I saw. Definitely.”

“I’m old, but I’m not stupid, you know?”

Nothing is solid. It’s all liquid. I just want something to hang on to, something to keep me from going under. The salt water is in my mouth and up my nose. I’m not sure my heart is still beating. The darkness is all encompassing, but… I think I hear something… a bell… tolling again and again, in time with the shifting tides. A buoy, rocking back and forth on the water, offers salvation. Swim towards it. You can do this. Just a bit further…

Durban opened his eyes and stared at the coffee table in front of him. He and Carol had chosen it together, but he had never liked it. Nevertheless, it was a real thing. He leant forward and touched it, just to be sure. As his fingers grazed the surface, a chime emanated from his mobile phone. Durban stared at the illuminated screen and even though he had only the faintest notion of how to use his fingers, he answered the call.

“Hello?” he asked cautiously.

“John? It’s Pierson.”

Pierson. That name used to mean something.

“Pierson, we’re looking for an octopus,” Durban said. “He killed Terry Hollins.”

“What was that, John?”

Durban looked around at the debris scattered on the coffee table: the open case file, the glass pipe and the leftover crystals scattered on the table. This wasn’t the first time he had used Dimethyltryptamine as a means of expanding his thinking, but it might be the last time for a while. He was a firm believer in using hallucinogens to expand his thinking, and the DMT was quicker and more direct than other psychedelics, things were getting weird and he wasn’t sure he liked where the compound was taking him.

“Nothing,” Durban said, as he stopped the three dictaphones running on the table. He didn’t want them to start again and for Pierson to hear them. “I fell asleep on the sofa. What’s up? Any developments?”

“Not with Hollins, no,” Pierson said. “Something else. You remember the body in the salt bin a couple of months ago?”

“Of course.”

“Just got a call from CID in Aberdeen. They found another one.”

Durban had the sudden feeling of disassociation and was sure for a moment that he was still tripping.

“Seriously?” he asked.

“Yeah. Same thing. Knife wound, body dumped in a salt bin. Don’t know for sure there’s a connection, but…”

“But it would be a hell of a coincidence.”

No such thing as coincidence, a voice from the dark whispered to Durban. Just the tendrils of the squid, moving through the water…

He pushed the voice below.

“What happens now?” Durban asked.

“Nothing, as of yet. We’re sharing information. Just thought you’d want to know.”

“Yeah. I mean, of course.”

“We’ll talk about it more tomorrow, OK.”

“Yeah. Sure thing.”

They hung up without saying goodbye. Durban sat in silence for a while, trying to process what had happened. He stared at the walls, trying to see the patterns that had been so clear to him just moments ago.

But they weren’t there any more.

20 - A Moment or Two

What is it that distinguishes murder from manslaughter or mishap? Is it motive? Intent? Forethought? Sometimes, it’s nothing more than a moment in time - a few seconds that make the difference between life and death and, by extension, innocence and guilt.

Take, for example, the example set by the Harlow brothers, co-owners of Harlow Confectionery. Theirs was a business that had been handed down from father to son, ever since Harold Harlow began with a small sweetshop in 1896. While not as well known as some of their more famous rivals, they had carved out a modest but profitable slice of the trade, mostly providing chocolate for the catering trade, or manufacturing items for supermarkets’ own-brands. Everyone who worked at Harlow Confectionery took pride in their work and the sense of family wasn’t limited to those who shared DNA, as the company did whatever it could to improve the welfare of their employees, including subsidised childcare and opportunities for training and educational advancement. 

Unfortunately, the changing nature of the industry meant that small manufacturers like Harlow were being swallowed up by multinational conglomerates, making it difficult for the little man to retain his independence. This, coupled with the general economic downturn, meant that Harlow Confectionery lost several key contracts and the co-owners  were forced to reassess their priorities. The two key members of the board, Tim and Kevin Harlow, were suddenly faced with the prospect that they might bear witness to the death of a family enterprise that had lasted for 118 years. The difference in their responses to this grim possibility were marked. Tim vowed to do everything he could to ensure that Harlow Confectionery stayed open and that people did not lose their jobs. Kevin drank.

At a time when the family should have been pulling together to save the company, the brothers found themselves increasingly estranged, with each resenting the other. Tim disapproved of his brother’s descent into the bottle, while Kevin decried his brother as a glory-chaser who wanted to oust him from the company. In reality, Tim wanted nothing more than his older brother’s help, but  was unable to convince him of this and the festering sore of resentment quickly became an open wound. With each passing week, Kevin’s condition worsened and so too did Harlow Confectionery. Meetings were cancelled, deadlines were missed and orders were lost. 

There were mutterings in Harlow homes and offices about what was to be done. All involved knew that Kevin was in need of help, but was now in such an extreme state of paranoia that he saw any attempt at intervention as a coup d’etat and refused to relinquish his stake in the business. Tim, for his part, was reluctant to call a vote of no confidence, fearing that internal politics would further destabilise the company. Others urged him to do it, stating that a seismic change was needed in order to break the deadlock. 

The situation came to a head late one Friday night. Tim was working late, poring over projections that could lift the company out of the fire. While the rest of the employees had gone home hours ago, Tim had thought himself alone until he heard a noise on the factory floor. Going out to investigate, Tim was unsurprised to find Kevin in a state of extreme inebriation, loudly declaiming the factory and those that worked there. Tim watched his brother from the high gantry way, noting that he was even drunker than usual. He then went down to speak to Kevin, thinking that maybe it would be possible to talk some sense into him. Needless to say, this did not work. Kevin took umbrage at Tim’s nosiness and accused him of trying to usurp him. Tim took exception to this and stated that he only wanted what was best for everybody. This was treated with scorn by Kevin, who then brought up the fact that Tim had always been a  goody-goody and that this was why no-one liked him. Tim told Kevin that he was being childish and refused to engage in the conversation, preferring instead to go back to his office and complete his work for the evening. He told Kevin to go home and sleep it off. Kevin chose not to and instead followed Tim up to the office, loudly reeling off lists of his younger brother’s shortcomings, including (but not limited to) his poor sense of rhythm, the dowdiness of his clothes and the fact that he had pooed his pants on a trip to Margate in 1982.

Tim did his best to ignore Kevin’s drunken harassment, even going so far as to lock the office door behind him so that Kevin couldn’t continue. Kevin was undeterred by the locked door and continued shouting obscenities at his sibling. Tim found that the emotional barrage was making it difficult to concentrate on quarterly earnings, so instead crawled under his desk and waited for the storm to pass. While Kevin’s words were often slurred and indecipherable, there was no mistaking the vitriol they carried and Tim, who had always tried to do the best by everybody, broke down in silent tears at the hopelessness of it all.

Eventually, the hail of invective became more subdued and there was a loud howl from outside the office, which Tim took as a final non-verbal exclamation point on the long diatribe of hate.

Cautiously, Tim crawled out from under his desk, wiped away his tears and took several deep breaths. While he understood that his brother was struggling with an addiction, it didn’t alter the fact that his words had wounded him in a very real way. When Tim found his hands still shaking from the emotional trauma, he realised that he was in no fit state to do any more work and decided to go home. Having collected his coat, briefcase and company laptop, Tim switched off the light in his office and walked along the gantry way towards the exit. 

He stopped halfway along the raised platform when he saw the bottle of whisky resting on the handrail. It was the same one his brother had been carrying and Tim found its presence unsettling. It didn’t seem like Kevin to leave a bottle behind, particularly one with something in it. He looked at the bottle suspiciously and approached it with caution. 

A bottle on its own should not have provoked such feelings of dread, even after such an emotionally charged encounter, and it would be tempting to surmise that Tim already knew what had happened when he saw the half-empty bottle on the railing. When considering this hypothesis, one must also consider how familiar a person becomes with spaces they inhabit daily. By spending hours in a place, be it one’s home or place of business, knowledge of its geography becomes almost instinctive, with the mental map of its features and facets becoming ingrained on one’s psyche to the extent that one doesn’t have to consciously think about how the various parts relate. Perhaps, then, the younger Harlow’s antipathy towards the lonely bottle was because it stood directly above the main mixing vat - a container that held 50 gallons of molten cocoa beans, sugar and milk, as well as other emulsifiers and ingredients.

Tim moved cautiously to the edge of the ramp and looked into the vat. There he saw his brother flailing wildly in the thick brown liquid that had been the lifeblood of his family for seven generations. Kevin was struggling desperately against the viscosity of the molten chocolate, not to mention the high temperature required to keep it in a liquid state. It would be clear to anyone watching, even one not as intimately acquainted with the nature of chocolate as a Harlow, that Kevin was in extreme distress and without immediate assistance would not survive.

Tim knew this, but did nothing. It is impossible to say whether he ever consciously considered how much easier life would be if his older brother were dead, but sometimes such things do not need to be spelled out. It was not shock or paralysis that made him freeze, but a conscious act of will that made him stay still and not reach for the emergency shutdown control.

And those few seconds made all the difference. 

The one mercy was that Kevin never knew of his brother’s hesitation. By the time the spell was broken and the mixing vat was shut down, Harlow the elder was already dead.

In the end, the investigation into Kevin Harlow’s death turned out to be the coffin for Harlow Confectionery. Tim was never charged with a crime or found guilty of any wrongdoing, but the spectre of his dead brother followed him wherever he went. When the company was sold at well below its value, Tim chose not to stay on the board of directors.

When people told Tim that Kevin’s death was a tragic accident and that there was nothing that he could have done, Tim would not and gamely say they were right. Mostly, he did this to make them feel better. In his most private moments, Tim would reflect on those wasted seconds and know in his heart that there was no disputing the dreadful truth.

Those few moments made him a murderer.

18 - Blood Donor

It had been on Peter’s “to-do” list for some time now, so when he saw the tent at the village fete, he took it as a sign that he should stop talking and roll up his sleeve.  He  walked in and and said, quite clearly:

“I’d like to donate some blood.”

The young woman in the white uniform - presumably a nurse - didn’t say anything, but just looked at Peter with an slightly startled expression that remained fixed on her face. 

“This is the donation tent, isn’t it?” Peter asked, a little less brazenly.

“Yes, yes, of course,” the nurse said. “Please, have a seat.”

She gestured to a low pop-up bed in the corner of the tent. Peter sat down and made himself comfortable.

“Been busy today?” Peter asked.

“Not really, no.”

“Oh. Why’s that, do you think?”

“Couldn’t say,” the nurse shrugged. She turned to Peter with a needle in her hand attached to a catheter and the collection tank. “Right-“

Peter drew back from the needle instinctively and both he and the nurse laughed politely. 

“Ah… don’t you want to ask me some questions first?” Peter said.

“Questions?” the nurse asked. “What sort of questions?”

“I don’t know… medical history… whether I’ve got any diseases or anything.” 

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Have any diseases?”

“No. At least, I don’t think so…”

“Well then. Just roll up your sleeve and lie back on the bed. This won’t hurt a bit.”

That last part turned out to be a lie, as it took the nurse several attempts to insert the needle into a vein and thus making the process a lot more uncomfortable than Peter had been expecting. 

“Shit…” the nurse muttered as she dug away at Peter’s arm with the needle. “Fucking veins…”

“Everything all right?” Peter asked through gritted teeth. 

“Shh,” the nurse hissed. “I’ve almost…. got it!”

Peter gasped as the needle slid into his arm and when he looked down he could see an ugly cluster of bruises that marked the nurse’s previous attempts at entry. Not only that, but he thought the needle was sticking out at a rather strange angle. This thought soon passed, however, when he saw the blood flowing through the clear plastic tube. He was surprised that the sight of it made him feel slightly woozy.

“Well, there it goes,” he muttered.

“Yup, got there in the end,” the nurse said, puffing away a strand of hair that had fallen on her face. “Not as easy as it looks, is it?”

“What?” Peter said.

“Just relax,” the nurse said. “It’s best if you stay calm. It won’t take long.”

“How long?” Peter asked. “And will I be alright to drive afterwards?” It occurred to him that he had come to the fete by himself and there wasn’t anyone to drive him home. 

“Shhh…” the nurse soothed. “You really need to relax.”

Peter nodded and lay back on the bed. He laid his head on the thin pillow and felt the soft crunch of starched cotton as he made himself comfortable. The sensation of blood flowing out of his right arm was a little odd, but not too uncomfortable. He soon found himself relaxing into the process. Although the tent was set a little back from the rest of the fete, he could hear all the goings-on of the fair. He heard children laughing as they chased each other, weaving their way in and out of adult legs and tent poles. On the far side of the field, the brass band were tuning up and the sound of their trumpets and french horns mingled with the gossip of the women of the WRVS. Floating above all this was the flat monotone of Reverend Wellesby calling numbers from the bingo tent. Peter let himself drift in this sea of noise, ebbing and flowing with the tide of sound. Two fat ladies… talk about blancmange… while the kids… give a demonstration on fire prevention… and compare vegetables.

“I just need to change the bag,” the nurse said as she busied herself with the catheter. “Won’t be a minute.”

“Ok,” Peter said. “Whatever you need to do.” He found he was actually glad of this opportunity to lie down in the shade. The weather had turned hot a lot earlier than expected and it was nice to have this opportunity to relax. Truth be told, he felt like he could do with closing his eyes for a moment or two. He didn’t know if that was allowed or not, so looked up at the Nurse.

“Hey…” he said. “I feel sleepy. Is that normal?”

The nurse smiled and nodded. Peter smiled too.

He gave in to the weariness and closed his eyes.

The last thing he saw was the nurse hanging an empty blood bag next to the full one on the rack and switching the catheter from one to the other.

When the supervisor returned to the tent, he was surprised to see no less that eight full bags of blood in the storage container. He wasn’t quite sure how this could have happened.

“How did these get in here?” he asked the young volunteer. “Did Kevin come back and draw these?”

The volunteer looked at him, an expression frozen on her face.

“Well?” the supervisor asked.

“Yes,” the volunteer said. “He did. That’s what happened.”

“I suppose it means the day’s not a total waste…” the supervisor grumbled.

“Not a total waste. No.”

The supervisor looked at the volunteer. “Did we have a rush on or something?”

“Something like that,” she replied. 

“You didn’t take any of them, did you? Because you know that’s against the rules…”

“I remember,” the volunteer said, nodding solemnly. 

“Alright… well… maybe that’s enough for one day. Perhaps we should pack up the tent and head off.”

“OK,” the volunteer said. 

The supervisor chewed his lip as the volunteer started to pack up the posters and leaflets. He couldn’t say the fact they had been so quiet was the girl’s fault exactly, but if she put him on edge she probably wasn’t that great for the donors either. 

Perhaps he would call the asylum and tell them that he didn’t think this work-release programme was working out. 

17 - Chicken

Nando’s was neutral territory and had been ever since it opened. People needed a place to chill, talk or take their kids for birthdays without having to worry about somebody stepping up and trying to start something. So, it was understood - no matter how bad the situation, no matter how bloody the feud, you didn’t start anything in Nando’s.

The problem with drawing a line in the sand is that there’s always someone who wants to make a name for themselves by crossing it. If you didn’t have  money, muscle or numbers the only way to make an impression was to show that you were willing to do what the other man wouldn’t. Typically, such upstarts were young, impetuous and more than a little crazy. Such was the case with Marlon, a street level dealer who wanted to get ahead in the world. He was entering a crowded marketplace and had already attracted the attention of competing entrepreneurs, none of whom were that happy to see another vendor in the marketplace. The most notable opponent was Big John, who had made a forceful impression on Marlon that he should stop selling. His message was conveyed through the medium of baseball bat  and now, some weeks after the event, Marlon still walked funny and had a strange clicking in his jaw. The remedy, as he saw it, was to kill Big John. 

Marlon acquired a gun from guy he knew in Peckham. It was a reactivated deactivated army pistol and even though it didn’t look as good as he would have liked, Marlon felt pretty fucking bad with it in his hands. He admired himself in the mirror and while he didn’t quite go as far as the full ‘Taxi Driver’, he did play out scenarios of how he thought the encounter with Big John would go down. He practiced a number of cool, deadly things to say as he pulled the trigger, ranging from the poignant (“We both knew it would come to this”) to the profane (“DIE MOTHERFUCKER!”), hitting various points in between.

Sometimes, preparation is an anathema to action. When the time came to kill big John, Marlon had run through the scenario so many times that he knew it off by heart. So complete was his vision that when he found reality differing from his well-worked scenario, he felt at a loss what to do. In his mind’s eye, Nando’s was always half-empty and dark, with patrons scattered here and there on equally distant tables, eating their food and minding their own business in the shadows. As it turned out, however, the restaurant was bright and busy and there were at least two birthday parties taking place. Marlon didn’t like it at all and rather than stride confidently into the restaurant, he shuffled awkwardly, his bad leg trailing behind him. For some reason, Marlon had assumed that Big John would be sitting near the door, making it easy for him to pop a cap in him and make a quick getaway. After a minute or two of searching, it turned out that Big John was sitting in a booth at the back and Marlon had to walk past thirty other tables to get there. Marlon tried to tell himself that this was a good thing, that maybe the crowds would give him cover. He didn’t feel that convinced, though. Crowds meant witnesses and while he was trying to make a name for himself, he didn’t want to be so famous that the cops would be waiting for him when he got home. 

The gun was starting to feel heavier and heavier in his jacket pocket. He felt his breathing become laboured and his vision was starting to swim. This wasn’t how he thought it would be. Marlon felt a cold trail of fear drip it’s way down his spine as he realised he was having serious doubts about going through with it. He felt his guts gurgle and his sphincter tighten and for one awful moment, Marlon felt certain that he was about to shit his pants.

It was only when he started chewing his lip that the odd clicking sensation in his jaw reminded him of why he was doing this. Big John had messed with him, so Big John had to pay. The memory of the humiliating beat-down didn’t entirely remove Marlon’s fear, but it was enough to push it down for the moment. His vision cleared and any thoughts of self-soiling left his mind. 

Big John was sitting on a corner table, steadily working his way through several portions of Peri-Peri chicken, numerous side dishes and a diet Coke. He was so caught up in his meal that he barely noticed Marlon walking towards him. 

“Um…” Marlon said.

Big John looked up from his plate for the first time. 

“Wha the fk yu wnn?” he said, through a mouthful of food.

All Marlon’s well-practiced catchphrases left him. Without anything to say, he pulled the gun out of his pocket (hoping beyond all hope that it wouldn’t slip out of his sweat-soaked hands) and aimed it at Big John. 

Big John’s eyes widened and there was an involuntary inhalation of shock as he realised that the young man had the drop on him.

Marlon willed himself to pull the trigger. This needed to happen. The gun was out and there was no going back. There was no way Big John would ever forgive someone pulling a gun on him. From this point on, Marlon would be a dead man walking unless he killed Big John first. All he had to do was pull the trigger. Just tighten the muscles in his fingers and fire the shot. Just like that. 

The moment stretched, agonisingly and it was finally broken by Big John.

“Ack.”

Marlon was puzzled. His expression must have betrayed his confusion, because Big John repeated his earlier statement.

“Ack,” he said again and pointed to his throat to clarify matters. 

Marlon didn’t move. Big John was usually the model of calm and Marlon hadn’t expected him to become quite so unhinged at the sight of the gun. If anything, he had though Big John would call him a pussy and say that he didn’t have the balls to shoot him. That would have been OK with Marlon, because it would have made his retort easier - just pull the trigger and walk away. As it was, he just stood there and watched, the gun wavering slightly in his hand.

Big John’s eyes widened and he continued clawing at his throat. Marlon watched in horror as Big John’s face started to turn blue. Slowly it dawned on Marlon that Big John wasn’t terrified or mental, but choking on a piece of half-chewed chicken. 

He didn’t know what to do as the huge man at the table fought for breath. Marlon glanced around. Nobody in the restaurant appeared to have noticed that Big John was choking, or that Marlon had a gun in his hand.

He put the pistol back in his pocket and wondered what to do. Big John was a bastard of the highest order, but it didn’t feel right to just watch him choke to death like that. Alright, so Marlon had come here to kill him, but there was a difference…

The difference, as Marlon saw it, was that he couldn’t be blamed for this. Or charged. While the appearance of the gun had caused Big John to choke, he didn’t think he could be convicted. That worked for Marlon, so he watched for another thirty seconds as the life drained from Big John’s body. It wasn’t what he thought it would be like. Marlon didn’t like it at all. When Big John stopped gagging and shaking, Marlon leaned over to look at the body. He felt like he should say something, but none of his catchphrases seemed to apply here, to he just took a chip from Big John’s plate and ate it as he walked out. 

It wasn’t exactly what Marlon had planned, but the same could be said about almost everything that afternoon. He left Nando’s and decided that maybe he wasn’t cut out to be a badman after all.

16 - XP

Tonight we take the Obsidian Gauntlet. It’s all I’ve been able to think about all day, throughout the eight depressing hours at the office and on the train ride home, all I’ve wanted to do is log on and get started with the raid. It’s been a long time, but finally, as a guild, we’re ready to complete this, the most challenging mission in our history. We’ve been through a lot together. We  fought through the mines of Angnorr, defeated the Goblin Hordes and reclaimed the Crystal Staff for the free people of the realm. But this, this is the big one. 

We’re ready, though. Everyone’s been a level 80 player for months now, but more than that, we’re good. When we play PvP, we work as one cohesive unit, with strategy and precision. The tanks go in to soften up the enemy, the archers and mages provide ranged attacks and I’m in the heart of everything, healing those who take damage. It’s a perfect system and we’ve become very good at it. Still, the Obsidian Gauntlet is like nothing we’ve ever faced. It’s supposed to be protected by a High Warlock and I can’t wait to see what sort of crazy spells he’s going to be firing at us. This is going to be good.

The plan is to get through the door, grab a sandwich and a bottle of water and then log on to discuss strategy with the other members of my party. Everyone else is champing at the bit to do this, but a few of the guys are in Europe and they won’t get home for another hour or so. That’s ok. The rest of us can share potions and make sure that we have proper balance in our spell books. The game works on an elemental system and we don’t want to make sure we’re only carrying fire spells, when the dark mage is only vulnerable to water magic. I’m mentally arranging my codex as I put my key in the front door. I’m met by the sound of Nick Drake and the wafting scent of Coq-Au-Vin.

The lights are low and the table’s already set with two places and a candlestick. The sight of it makes me freeze in my tracks and for a brief second I wonder if I can walk back out and go to an internet cafe, but before I get a chance to do it (or even ponder what this says about me as a person) Donna comes in from the kitchen, wearing something that’s either a very short dress or a quite-long negligee. Either way, it works on her.

“Hi,” she says softly, padding across the room on bare feet and slipping her arms inside my coat and around my waist.

“Hi yourself,” I say, trying not to sound suspicious. “What’s all this about?”

“I thought it had been a long time since we did anything like this, so…” She bites her lip and looks up at me. “It’s OK, isn’t it?”

And this is the moment when I could say “actually, I have things to do” or “not tonight” or even “oh my god, what’s that behind you?!”, but she stands on tip toes and kisses me and I forget about making excuses, because all I can think about is the taste of her lips. New lipstick? Maybe just lipstick. Usually, Donna just uses Vaseline as lipbalm, giving her lips the unpleasant taste of petroleum jelly. I’ve never told her how much I dislike it. This, though, I could get used to.

Finally, when the kiss ends, she touches my stomach gently and says: “Make yourself comfortable. Dinner’s nearly ready.”

“Smells great,” I say. “Can’t wait.”

“Can you open the wine?” she says, nodding at the bottle on the table. “I’ll be back in a mo.”

I watch her slink back into the kitchen. Has she always moved like that? At this moment, I honestly don’t remember. Still, orders are orders, so I make myself useful with the corkscrew and pour us each a generous glass of red.

“How was your day?” she asks from the kitchen.

It’s a simple enough question, but I have to stop and think about it. Having spent most of my time fantasising about tonight’s raid, the actual events that transpired are somewhat elusive.

“You know what?” I say, moving to the kitchen doorway and handing her a wineglass, “I can’t even remember. I’m sure something must have happened today, but I’m drawing a blank. It’s like I spend the whole day on autopilot. It’s only just hit me that I really don’t care what happens in that place. The job’s meaningless. They could get anyone to do what I do.”

“Come on, that’s not true.”

“It is, though. I’m not saying that in a depressed way, it’s just that there’s nothing to it. I’m basically getting bits of paper and typing them into a computer, printing them off and sending them somewhere else. If they ever get a scanner, I’m out of a job.”

Donna looks at me and wipes her hands on a tea towel in a way I find indescribably sexy. “Maybe it’s time to look for something else,” she says.

I feel like I just got that flash of light that surrounds your character when you level up. Health and vitality are suddenly fully restored as I take an XP bump that takes me over the threshold. Look for something else. It’s so simple and obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.

“Maybe it is,” I say and smile.

“Can you take the potatoes through?” Donna asks. “I think we’re just about ready.”

Dinner is good. Better than good, in fact - it’s the best time Donna and I have had in a long time. When you live with someone, the business of cohabitation can take the joy out of things. You’re caught up in the cycle of work/after-work/sleep/morning that you forget that you love the other person and want to spend time with them. Being with Donna reminds me that I really do love her, not because I’m supposed to, but because she’s great. She’s funny and sexy and sharp and we talk in a way that we haven;t done in months, an intimate sharing process that I didn’t realise I’d missed. I suppose that’s how people in love are supposed to talk to each other, but I’m out of practice and I fumble around a lot. Donna doesn’t mind, however, and gently encourages me to go on.

In the corner of my eye, I can see the light on my Blackberry, presumably from other guild members. I spent £1.99 on an app that allows for custom alerts, so I could tell when I got messages in-game. At the time, I thought it was really badass, like I was a member of the Justice League or something, but now it just makes me cringe. When Donna goes out to get dessert, I grab the phone and see there are 12 messages my crew, but rather than send a group reply, I just switch the phone off. 

Donna comes in with a tub of ice cream and two spoons.

“Dessert,” she says with a smile, shrugging the straps of her dress off her shoulders and letting the garment fall to the floor.

Later, when we’re naked in bed and eating melted ice cream together, I see a recharge bar slowly accumulating in front of me. When it tops out, we’re definitely doing that again. The sex was better than it has been in ages, like the old days when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Just the feel of her skin on mine is bumping up the progress bar and we find ourselves giggling at each other and nuzzling away.

“So, better than ‘Elf Realm’ or what?” she asks, licking Strawberry Temptation off her spoon.

It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her refer to the MMO by name. Usually it’s just “that thing” or “that bloody game”. I tried to get her into it in early days, but she didn’t see the point. 

“Much better,” I say.

“So, what’s the appeal?” she asks.

“Of this?” I say, sliding a hand across her body.

“No…” she says, laughing, “of the game. You spends hour on it. There’s got to be something in it.” The surprise on my face must be clear, because she adds: “I’m serious. I want to know.”

“I thought you didn’t like the game,” I say warily. “You’re always complaining that I spend too much time on it.”

“I know…” she concedes, “but it’s important to you, so I’m trying to make an effort. What do you like about it?”

I think about it for a moment. “I suppose the social aspect of it’s one thing,” I say. “I’ve got to know people in different countries through it. I know it seems antisocial, just being on the computer, but there’s a real sense of community and you get to know people in a way that you don’t get a chance to in real life.”

“What sort of people?”

“Ah… well… there’s a guy from Wales who builds sundials. And there’s a girl in Holland who’s in a wheelchair, but it’s not so much about who you are in the real world, but who you play in the game. For some people, it’s about questing and getting loot, but I’m really into roleplay.”

“Ooh, kinky!” Donna says, gently twisting my nipple.

“Not like that,” I grin. “It’s more about putting thought into who you’re playing as and trying to act in the way that you think they would play. You try and talk the way they would talk, fight the way they would fight.”

“Like acting?”

“Yeah. Kind of. Some people have alternate accounts, where they play as different types of character, but I’ve had the same character since I started. You grow attached to them, you know?”

“What’s your character’s name?”

I hesitated. I’d never said it out loud before. Somehow, it made me afraid.

“Ladriel,” I said. “It’s kind of a bad play on words, like ‘Galadriel’ from Lord of the Rings, but a bloke.”

“You’re a tranny?” Donna says, teasingly.

“No, I’m not a tranny. But elves don’t think about gender the same as humans.”

“You’re an elf? What does that mean?”

“Well, you’ve got four basic races in the game: Humans, Elves, Trolls and Orcs and each of them are aligned to a different element. Humans are water, Elves are air, Trolls are earth and Orcs are fire.”

“So, does that mean that they cancel each other out?”

“Kind of. The setup of the game is that the Orcs and the Trolls are trying to wage war, while the Humans and the Elves are trying to find balance in the elements. And each race has its own homeland, so the Human come from the Islands of the Coast, while the Elves live in Forest Hills, the Trolls in the Caves and the Orcs live in the Volcano range.”

“So… what would happen if your character, um…”

“Ladriel.”

“So what would happen if Ladriel was to go to the middle of the Volcano range?”

“Well, as a Air Elemental he’d be vulnerable to their magic, so you’d only do something like that as part of a group.”

“But what if he went there by himself, without anyone else there to back him up?”

I shake my head. “That wouldn’t happen.”

“But what if?”

I was confused. I didn’t know why she was insisting on an answer to a hypothetical question. When she looked at me, I realised that it wasn’t hypothetical at all.

I jump out of bed and run to the box room where the PC is. I shake the mouse to wake the computer from sleep and double click the icon on the desktop. Connection to the game servers takes agonising seconds and as the rousing intro music plays, I say a silent prayer. 

It does no good. When the game finally connects, the memorial is there to greet me.

LADRIEL - DECEASED. LAST LOCATION: VOLCANIA

DO YOU WANT TO CREATE A NEW CHARACTER? 

OK / CANCEL

A long, low, non-verbal groan comes from somewhere deep in my stomach. Four years of play time. Thousands of hours invested. Millions of Experience Points. Gone. I feel the loss physically, as if someone has stuck a knife in my guts and is slowly drawing it up to the centre of my chest. 

I turn to Donna who - unlike me - has bothered to put on a dressing gown. Her face shows sadness, but no remorse. 

“Why did you do that?” I whisper.

“Happy anniversary,” she says.

“It’s not our anniversary,” I say, struggling desperately not to add two words afterwards. ”…is it?”

“No,” she says. “Last week.”

I can’t remember much about last week. There had been a big battle taking place in Ranger Falls. Orcs had made an incursion into the human homelands and…

“Come back to bed,” Donna says softly.

I look at the PC.

DO YOU WANT TO CREATE A NEW CHARACTER?

OK / CANCEL

I say “OK”, click “Cancel” and follow Donna back into the bedroom.

Back to level one.

15 - I Killed Moonbeam

Man, I really didn’t mean to do that, you know? It just, like, happened so quickly. We were out in the field, talking about this year’s crop and he started going on and on about how we had to get serious and have, like, a business plan and shit. I mean, that’s not my scene at all, so I thought I would just let it go, but he kept on and kept on and before you know it, we were having a fight. That’s a real step back for me, you know? I left all that violent shit behind me years ago. Anyway, words turned to shoves and before you know it, I’d grabbed the pitchfork and, well, now he’s got three holes in his chest and he isn’t moving. And, really, all I as trying to do was explain that the whole point of this community is to live in harmony with our surroundings, not try and rape it for profit, you know? I mean, one moment it’s getting accredited by the Soil Association and the next thing you’re getting endorsements from Nestle and Shell are installing a pipeline in your back yard, you know what I mean? He told me that I was being ridiculous and that it was “just like me”. 

Moonbeam, man… I don’t even know what his real name was. Suzie said it was Tarquin, but she might have been joking. She didn’t like Moonbeam at all. I wish I could say that she was the only one, but the truth is that he caused a lot of static in the group. I mean, a lot. Why do some people insist on messing with other people’s equilibrium? I wish I knew, man. I wish I knew. If I’d known that I wasn’t going to have another chance to ask, I would have asked - you know?

I didn’t mean to do it, but that’s not to say that I regret it. I’m not glad he’s dead, but I don’t want to get too caught up in the whole Judeo-Christian morality of it all. Death is just another state of living, you know? His spirit is still intact, so really we’re just talking about the transference of organic energy from one form into another. When you look at it like that, man, it’s just like boiling a potato. I really don’t want to get too hung up on it. I mean, I know he’s dead. I’m not a fucking doctor or anything, but I know he’s not breathing and there’s no pulse, so I suppose that’s that. 

Should I tell someone about this? Am I supposed to be a well-trained citizen and hand myself over to the ‘proper authorities’? I don’t know, man. I don’t like the idea of bringing the pigs on to our land. I know what they’re like. I’ve been kettled and fucking gassed man. How do you think they’ll treat a guy with dreads? You think they’ll believe me when I say I didn’t mean it? I don’t know man. I just don’t know. Karmically speaking, I think that bringing the babylon here would just throw everything out of whack, you know? So… maybe I don’t tell them? Can I do that? I mean, shit, the nearest phone’s a few miles away and Jocasta and the others have taken the van to the festival in Rotterdam. I could cycle, but I don’t like the look of those rainclouds. Maybe I should wait a while, smoke a jay and think about what to do next. Don’t want to be too hasty here, man, because that’ll get your chakras fucked up quicktime.

Also, y’know, there are other reasons not to bring the pigs here. I mean, Toby’s been growing magic mushrooms in the cellar and there’s about 50 weed plants just about to start budding. They’re just for our own personal use, but the amounts we’re talking about would probably get us done for distribution. Yeah, man, I don’t think bringing the police here would be cool with the others. I mean, it’s one thing to hand yourself in, but taking everyone down with me? That’s just low, man. That’s the work of a snitch.

So… shit. What am I supposed to do with him? No. Wait. It’s not “him”. It’s just his physical vessel, a shell that just contained his essence. And, really, he never seemed that comfortable in his own skin, so maybe I did his soul a favour. Maybe. Shit, either way, his shell’s lying there on the ground with blood seeping into the earth. I’m going to have to figure out what to do. You get so used to running everything through the group that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to make a decision without a campfire and a truth circle. Still, it’s kind of refreshing not to have to make sure everybody’s feelings aren’t hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m committed to the principles of collective consciousness and unified action, but it can get a little fucking long-winded at times. 

Focus, man. OK. Dead body on the ground. There’s nobody around, so that’s not a worry, but people are going to be back before too long and I can’t just leave him here. 

Can I?

I mean, all things being equal, I guess that would be the ideal solution, because eventually, he would biodegrade. Still, that would take a long time and there’s the smell to consider, So… I guess I bury him? Is that the best thing to do? I mean, we were just about to start planting the summer crops, so we’d be turning over the earth anyway. WHen the others get back, I can say that I decided to make an early start on it. In the long run, I think it would be the right thing to do. Moonbeam never really contributed much to the collective, but by burying him in the field garden, he would be helping feed us all for the upcoming year.

Except that we’re all vegetarians here. It’s one the guiding principles of the commune. What does it say about our decision to be meat free if we’re eating vegetables soaked in blood? I don’t know man, it seems kind of hypocritical. I mean, I know we won’t be eating meat as such, but still it feels like the thin end of the wedge, you know what I mean? Oh man, it’s one hell of an ethical dilemma. I really don’t know what the right thing to do is. On the one hand, unilaterally introducing blood and bone into the field is a contradiction of our cruelty-free farming process, but on the other hand, I’ve got to something with the body before it starts rotting. And, you know, wouldn’t it be more of a crime not to put his body to good purpose? I mean, it would be really wasteful. It’s not like we’re talking about testing perfume on animals here. This is a practical example of organic recycling, a testament to the circle of life. When you put it like that, I kind of dig it. 

Dig it. Yeah. That’s what need to do. Heh. It’s kind of funny. Sorry, Moonbeam, I know it’s probably not right to be laughing, but this whole thing’s kind of messed with my head. Don’t take it the wrong way. I think this is best for all of us. I hope you understand, but I know you probably won’t. I’m not saying that’s why you’re dead, but it probably didn’t help. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. 

I’m not doing this for me. Really, I’m not.

I’m doing it for us. 

14 - Parts and Labour

When I get to the garage at 6:30, I see Dad’s yellow Peugeot parked outside. He doesn’t wave or raise a hand as I pull in to park, nor does he say hello when I get out of the car and walk over. The only affection he shows is towards my dog, who bounds over to greet him. 

“Hello Tyson, hello boy,” he says, scratching the bull mastiff’s ears.

“That’s Buster,” I say. “Tyson was the dog we had when I was little.”

He nods, as if he knew that the whole time, but his eyes narrow and I know I’ve hurt him already. It wasn’t my intention - it never is - but I seem to manage it nevertheless.

“How are you, Milton?” he asks.

“Yeah, not bad,” I say. “You’re up early.”

“Ah, I don’t sleep much these days.”

“Car playing up?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Whenever I turn left it feels like there’s something grinding down there. I don’t think it’s serious, but you’re always saying not to take anything for granted…”

“I’ve got a couple in at the moment,” I said, “but leave me the keys and I’ll bring it in when there’s time.”

“OK,” he says, fishing the keyring out of his pocket and handing them to me. “When do you think it’ll be ready?”

“This afternoon, probably. Depends what needs doing and if I need to order any parts.”

Dad shrugs. “Ok, well, give us a call when it’s ready,” he says and starts to turn away.

“Wait…  do you want a cup of tea or something?”

Dad shrugs again. He does that a lot. Learning to read his indifference is an artform I’ve never mastered, so I decide to take the initiative.

I take my keys from my pocket and open the door set into the shutters. 

“Inside,” I say, maybe to the dog, maybe to Dad. Both of them step through the door at the same time, tripping over each other’s feet on the way in.

Once inside, Dad waits for me, unsure of where to step in the dark garage. Buster has no such circumspection and bolts over to the dog basket in the far corner. Once I get in, I flick the lights on. I’ve owned this garage for six years, but I can tell that Dad has never felt comfortable here. On some level, I think he was always perplexed by my preference for gears and grease over ink and academia. But then, sons have been disappointing fathers ever since the dawn of time. 

“Make yourself at home,” I say, knowing he won’t. 

I keep a box of Earl Grey teabags just for him and as I busy myself with kettle and cups, he stands around and doesn’t know where to put himself.

“Business going well?” he asks. “You always seem to be full.”

“It’s OK,” I say. “Gary was off sick on Friday, so we’re a bit behind.”

“Is that the new lad? How’s that working out?”

Gary’s been working here for three years.

“Fine,” I say and ask if he wants sugar. That’s not me being ignorant as to my father’s habits - he changes his mind with every cup.

“Mm,” he replies in an affirmative grunt. I drop a sugar cube into the mug and add milk.

“So, what have you been up to?” I ask, handing him his tea. 

He shrugs and shakes his head with a sigh. “Oh… Starting another book, you know… The Phoenicians.”

Dad’s interest in ancient history has withered a bit since he retired, but he keeps trying to write books and losing interest half way through.

“I think I remember them. Galleys and purple dye?”

“If you want to be reductive about it.”

“Well, I’d love to read some when it’s ready.”

Dad shakes his head in a gesture of unconscious rebuttal. He’s refusing, even though he says: “Hmm. Maybe.”

We sip our tea and say nothing for a moment.

“Is everything OK, Dad?”

His reaction is so startled, you’d think I just flicked an elastic band at his nose. 

“Of course. Why would you ask me that?”

“I don’t know,” I shrug. “You seem a little out of it.”

Dad snorts and that small gesture of ridicule makes me feel about eight years old. 

He puts down his tea and stands up to leave. “You’ll call me when it’s done?”

“Of course, but Dad-“

He hold up his palm. “I know how busy you are, so I don’t want to hold you up any further.”

“You’re not,” I begin, but he’s already turned to the door.

“See you, boy.” he says. 

I open my mouth, then shut it quickly. He was talking to the dog. 

It’s a relief when Gary turns up, dropping a bacon buttie on my lap and flipping the radio on to Capital Gold. He’s still not totally shaken the flu, but I’m glad of his company as it distracts me from the nagging chatter inside my head. We start ploughing through the backlog and manage to clear a good proportion of the jobs by the end of the day. It’s just as well, because the work was backing up so far that it was starting to test my customer’s patience. 

Getting round to looking at Dad’s car took a lot longer than I thought it would. As soon as I got behind the wheel of the Peugeot, I slid the seat back as far as it would go - an automatic gesture that I’d learned from the many times I’d had to do work on the yellow lemon. I started her up and listened for anything out of the ordinary. The starter was working OK and while the 1.6 litre engine was never going to sing, it didn’t sound like there was anything wrong with the tappets or cylinders. I give it a couple of revs in neutral and when it responds as well as it ever will, I put it in gear and start steering it into the garage.

As the wheels turn, I hear the scraping sound that Dad mentioned. It sounds like it’s coming from somewhere on the offside wing. So I park the car inside, shut off the engine, get out and climb underneath. As I examine the wheelarch, I feel around with my fingers to see if I can detect any broken or buckled metal that might be causing the scraping sound. After a short period of blind fumbling, my fingers fall onto a hard lump wedged in between the arch and the axle. It’s impossible to tell by touch alone exactly what it is, but it’s certainly jammed in tight and no amount of yanking will budge it. I angle the light to try and see what’s stuck in there. It’s difficult to make out, but looks like a piece of metal and even though I can’t see exactly what it is, I can tell it doesn’t belong. I can’t get it out with bare hands, but after a bit of a wrestle with the wrench, I pop it out and it drops to the floor with a clink. 

The noise alerts Buster, who has been lolling around all afternoon, waiting for me to finish up and take him home. He scampers across to the new thing and I have to snatch it away from him before he covers in in slobber. As I do so, I can feel a sharp edge digging into my palm, one that could cut Buster’s mouth if he chewed at it. Eventually, he backs off and I’m able to have a better look for myself.

It’s a watch, or - at least - part of one. Most of the face is present, although the glass on the face has shattered. The rest is dented and dirty, probably from being jammed into a wheelarch for however long it’s been there. The most unsettling thing about it, though, is the way that the band has been ripped apart. The strap was made of stainless steel links, not leather, and the tear has created a jagged blade along one edge. I turn the broken watch over in my hands, trying to work out how it could have happened and how it ended up jammed into the wheelarch of Dad’s Peugeot. I tell myself that it could have been lying on the street and got picked up somehow as it was driven over, or that maybe there was some weird kind of electromagnetic field that attracted it to the car’s interior. It’s not very convincing, but I’m on the verge of believing it when I hear a unpleasant slobbering sound coming from the front of the car. I peer round and see Buster licking the radiator grille, his rough pink tongue lapping at the metal with so much gusto that I have to physically drag him away from the front of the car. 

I look at the radiator grille and between the white bubbles of canine saliva, I can see streaks of something red. Kneeling down, I look at the red marks and turn the smashed watch over in my hand and I try to think of an explanation for it all that doesn’t make my skin crawl.

I can’t.

I look along the bonnet of the car and I can see the indentation at its middle. I know that it wasn’t a stone or a carelessly placed shopping bag that made that impression, but the impact of a human skull.

I think about how the watch could possibly have got inside the car and try to envisage a scenario that doesn’t involve reversing over someone’s arm. 

I think about the blood was on the radiator grille and wonder how long you would have to spend washing it away and how bad a person’s eyesight would have to be not to notice that they hadn’t got it all. 

More than anything, I think about how much I love my Dad and how lucky I am that, for once, he’s got something I can fix.

13 - Programming Your Killbot

In previous chapters we’ve covered the preparation, assembly and control of your Killbot. In this section, we’ll explore the basic principles of programming and write a simple control script. Programming your Killbot has a number of advantages over manual control, as it allows the Killbot to operate to peak efficiency, leaving you free to deal with other tasks.

If you’ve never used a programming language before, there’s no need to panic - it’s really quite simple. Killbot uses a customised programming language called Murderscript. This is what’s known as a “high-level” language, designed to be easily read and understood by even novice programmers. (Advanced programmers can bypass Murderscript and access the core instruction set directly by using the low-level “M++” language. This is covered in the Advanced Technical Manual). Even if you have some programming experience, it’s a good idea to run through the tutorial to familiarise yourself with the syntax of Murderscript. The following is a basic program that will tell Killbot to kill twelve tall men. The full program looks like this:

// First Killbot Program
//  
// Preparation Phase

new.spree(“tall-men”) {
 flush.emotion;
 exclude.operator;
 total.bodycount = 12;
}

define.range() {
 type.radial;
 distance(500);
}

define.victim(“beanpole”){

var.beanpole(“height”, int);
 var.beanpole(“male”, bool);
 }
// Killing Cycle

travel.range();

scan.target {
IF height >= 190 AND male = true THEN target=beanpole;
ELSE ignore;
}

define.method(decap);

execute.beanpole (bodycount++);

on total.bodycount return;

If this all looks complicated - don’t worry. We’ll go through it line-by-line so you can see exactly what each of these commands mean in real terms.

The first stage of the program is the “preparation phase” where various parameters are established before Killbot goes into action. First off, we need to define the scope of our murder.

new.spree(“tall-men”) {
 flush.emotion;
 exclude.operator;
 total.bodycount=12;
}

This defines a new .spree with the name “tall-men”. If we were just murdering one person, we would use the .murder type, but any murder with more than one victim is considered a .spree. It’s good practice to name your subroutines, as it will allow you to recall them at a later date. If, for example, at a future date you wanted to program Killbot to eliminate tall men and fat women, you would be able to call the “tall-men” .spree from memory, without having to retype the instructions.

As we define the .spree, we also set a few parameters for the program. We use flush.emotion to bypass Killbot’s moral compass and to discriminate purely on the criteria defined within the program. Also, we exclude.operator to make sure that the programmer and operator of the killbot (i.e. you) is not considered a target for Killbot. (!! THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT STEP - DO NOT OMIT THIS LINE OF CODE, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT MEET THE PARAMETERS LISTED WITHIN THE PROGRAM!! Programmers often test lines of code as they go and omitting the exclude.operator function may result in your death.)

Finally, we will specify a total.bodycount, which in this case is 12 victims. Sprees can have many different parameters that account for success or failure and these are covered in more detail in subsequent chapters. For the moment, though, we’ll stick with a simple parameter that gives us a definite state of completion.

The next step is to define how far and in what manner Killbot should travel in order to find victims. We do this by defining a range of 500 metres from the operating station, going out in a radial direction.

define.range() {
 type.radial;
 distance(500);
}

Unless we define a range, Killbot will continue travelling indefinitely. While this dogged determination is admirable, it’s a good idea to keep Killbot on a leash until you’re more confident in your programming abilities. By keeping Killbot close to home, you can monitor its progress and tweak your programs until they produce the exact results you want.

The final phase of the preparatory stage is defining a .victim. Using Murderscript, we are able to define a set of parameters that will enable Killbot to find victims based on any number of parameters. In this example, we are intending to kill tall men, so we first ascribe them the victim name “beanpole” and then define a few parameters that will enable Killbot to discriminate them from other people. Murderscript has a number of built-in parameters you can call on in order to identify Killbot victims. In this example, we are using “height”, which is an integer (whole number) value and “male” which is a boolean (true or false) value.

define.victim(“beanpole”){
var.beanpole(“height”,int);
var.beanpole(“male”,bool);
}

This completes the first stage of the program and Killbot now has enough parameters to work with. If you wanted, you could add further conditions to the “beanpole” victim type, but for the moment, these two parameters will suffice.

With the parameters set, we now enter the main program loop. This is the basic operating instructions for Killbot “in the field”. First, we tell Killbot to start moving and looking for targets. We do this by using the travel command and tying it to the range we set earlier.

travel.range();

Killbot automatically searches its surroundings for new potential targets and when it finds one the scan mode is automatically triggered. It’s at this point that we need to compare the data of the current target with the parameters we have already defined for our intended victim. This is done by a IF… THEN… ELSE comparison, which gives Killbot a series of parameters to compare the currently scanned object to.

scan.target {
IF height >= 190 AND male = true THEN target=beanpole; 
ELSE ignore;
}

In this case, we state that the scanned object’s height must be greater than or equal to 190cm (Killbot defaults to metric measurements) and must be male (meeting the male=true condition). IF these conditions are met THEN the target is given the label “beanpole” and if it doesn’t meet these requirements, it’s something ELSE and (in this case, at least) it can be ignored. As time goes on, you will learn how multiple IF… THEN… ELSE arguments can discern different kinds of targets and foster a modular approach to Killbot’s murders.

As well as acquiring targets, Killbot also needs to know the best manner in which to  dispose of the target. This can vary depending on the exact configuration of your Killbot, but assuming a basic configuration that is accessible to all models, we will select a parameter appropriate to the target. Given that we are selecting targets for their height, decapitation seems appropriate. We choose this by defining the method of death, like so:

define.method(decap);

So far we have defined Killbot’s range of travel, given it parameters for selecting targets and even chosen the method by which it will murder but as yet we have not given it the command to kill. Without the following command, Killbot will simply store data on the targets it scans. By adding an execute command, we ensure that Killbot fulfils its primary purpose and kills the target at hand.

execute.beanpole (bodycount++);

You’ll notice that as well as the execute command, there’s an additional rider on the command.The use of “++” tells Killbot to increase the value of bodycount by 1. The next line of the program compares the current value of bodycount to its projected total. 

on total.bodycount return;

If the values are equal, the command tells Killbot to return to its operator. Alternatively, we could tell it to explode or commit seppuku, but given that this is our first program it’s probably best to leave those options to one side.

Hopefully this brief example has given you a taste of how much can be accomplished by programming your Killbot for autonomous destruction. In the following chapters, you’ll learn more about how Killbot can acquire, discriminate and destroy targets based upon any number of parameters.

Programming Exercise

Write a program that will kill the following:

• 8 targets
• All female
• Under 140 cm in height
• Within 800 metres of the operator

12 - Post-its From The Fridge

11 - Hinged

i can hear them ticking. all of them. at first i thought it was just mr green next door, but then i heard it in the milkman and the man who came to read the meter. i left the house to get away from them, but everyone is ticking just under the surface. what worries me more is the slight echo i hear under the skin. it doesn’t sound soft and pliant like skin should. no. it’s bright and hard like metal and i don’t know what to think, because i don’t know what it says about what’s behind their faces. i thought i could get away, but now i’ve wandered around so much that i don’t know how to get home. i’ve been standing at this bus stop for a while now, but whenever a bus comes, the numbers change and i can’t keep track of them any more. still, i think the bus stop is a good place to be. even though there are only two walls, it’s safer than being in the middle of the street and as long as i keep touching the advertising hoarding, i will be safe.

a fat woman with shopping bags comes and sits on the little red bench in the bus stop. i push back against the adverting hoarding to give her as much room as possible. she pretends not to notice and makes out like she’s looking out into the road. i keep my back pressed against the shelter. i watch her with my peripheral vision and i listen to her tick.

eventually, she takes a packet of biscuits out of her shopping bag, opens it and eats the biscuits one-by-one. she’s as regular as a metronome and the crunching of the biscuits is in sync with the clicking behind her face. the tick-tick-tick-munch is only broken when my stomach growls with hunger. i haven’t eaten in a long time. the woman stops offers me the packet and i almost take one because i’m so hungry, but then i look at her face and i see that the right side has swung outwards from the hinge running down her face. there’s a catch just below her ear and it must have opened by accident. from where i’m sitting i can’t see what’s inside her head, but i reach out to push her face back into its proper position. the fat woman flinches and draws away from me, taking her biscuits with her. i try to tell her that i was only trying to help, but her clicking gets faster and more angry, drowning out my attempts to explain. in the confusion my hand gets separated from the advertising hoarding and my curtain of safety disappears. i run away. i don’t know what else to do.

coloured fog has descended from the sky, making it impossible to see specific details in the things around me. i have to navigate by tones, avoiding the dark purple and red areas and heading towards the blue and yellow safe places. i never seem to get there, even after hours of walking, so i have to rest in a neutral grey zone. the clicking here isn’t too bad. it’s not as intense or frightening as mr green or the fat woman. 

i don’t know this place. there are shops and people, but the fog makes it difficult to tell exactly where i am. it could be the high street near my house or it could be another place entirely. it all looks so familiar and so different, i don’t know what to do. i’m drawn to the light of a shop that sells televisions. the little people in the screens are much clearer than those walking around me and the fact that they’re behyind glass means i can’t hear them clicking. the man on the television reads the news and i’m happy just to watch for a while, but then he stops and looks straight at me. i9 freeze in place and realise i have to count to see how long this last for. 

one.

two.

three.

four.

five.

six. 

six.six. 

sixsixsixsixsixix-ix-ix-ix-ix-ix-ix-ix turns to clicks and i realise that he’s trying to wind me up, trying to start a mechanism inside of me. i turn away from the screen and when i do, i see the blank man standing next to me. he doesn’t have a face - just a blank sheet of flesh where his features would be. he seems to be trying to say something, but i don’t know what it is because he doesn’t have a mouth. he cocks his head to one side like a dog trying to understand and when he does, the hinge in the middle of his face creaks open and i can finally see the mechanism underneath - a clockwork instrument of flesh and bone. i see the white ivory cogs turning in tiny increments, connected by bands of cartilage and sinuous pulleys that push and pull the machinery inside his skull. small puffs of steam rise as the mechanism starts to work faster and faster and i can tell that something inside the blank man’s head is going seriously wrong. i can see the wheels starting to spin and the rotors sparking as they are pushed to capacity and beyond. the tiny bellows fuelling the furnace wheeze and cough and the cogs begin to fracture. the ticking gets faster and faster and i realise there’s only one thing that i can do to stop everything from going out of control. it’s up to me to fix it. that’s why i brought the screwdriver out with me. 

i take the tool from my pocket and jam it into the blank man’s head. there’s resistance as i force the crosshead into the machinery behind his blank face, but i can’t stop now. i continue digging through the machinery, prying away stanchions and crossbeams in order to get to the key components within. for the first time in a long time, the clicking stops. but as the clock winds down, a new sound replaces it - a shrill ultrasonic scream that hurts my ears. i don’t know if it’s better or worse, but it’s something new after the endless days of tick-tick-tick.

arms come out of the fog and wrestle me away from the blank man, pulling the wet screwdriver from my hand and forcing me to the ground. the shrill sound stops and there’s a low chatter of static that may or may not be words. even though i can’t see the television man, i feel certain that he’s smiling at me. it doesn’t matter. i think i’ve finally fixed it. tears of gratitude start flowing down my cheeks as the fog around me starts to flash blue. tall figures put me in handcuffs and say things i don’t understand. beneath their words, i hear their real language and i start to cry anew, because i realise that this is how it’s always going to be.

second by second. 

moment by moment.

tick.

tick.

tick.

10 - Full Disclosure

Freddie Jacobs didn’t know what Mr Perskine looked like, but he recognised him all the same. There was no mistaking a buyer, particularly the wet, pliant sort. They were Freddie’s favourite kind. He smiled to himself as he took a last drag off his fag, flicked it out of the window and sprayed some deodoriser to mask the smell. When the scent of Alpine Forest had spread through the car’s interior, he switched on the engine and drove over to pick up Perskine.

It was a horrible day, no mistake about it. The rain had come late last night and didn’t show any signs of abating. There were reports of floods in the next county, but that wasn’t about to stop Freddie from continuing with business as usual. 

“Mr Perskine?” he said to the bedraggled man standing in the rain and when he nodded, Freddie opened the passenger door and told him to get in.

Perskine clambered into the car awkwardly, dripping all over the upholstery. Freddie had just had it valeted.

“Don’t worry about the leather,” Freddie said, “just get yourself inside.”

Perskine used several combinations of the words “thanks”, “sorry” and “urgh” to get across what an awkward time he was having. Once he had finally settled, he turned to look at Freddie, who took control of the the conversation.

“Freddie Jacobs,” he said, sticking out his hand, “it’s good to finally meet you in the flesh, Mr Perskine.” 

“You too, Mr Jacobs.”

“Call me Freddie.”

Mr Perskine didn’t offer his first name. That didn’t bother Freddie. The customer was always right, even when he was uptight. 

“Hope you weren’t waiting too long,” Freddie said. “The trains on that little line can be a bit erratic.”

“Is that so?” Perskine said. Freddie realised that he was undermining the transport links of the property he was trying to sell and backtracked smoothly.

“Can be,” he conceded, “but the property we’re going to is actually closer to Crowborough, which has the proper mainline service to Hastings.”

“Then why did I have to come here?”

The atmosphere in the car turned chilly. Freddie turned up the heater.

“Ah, well, I had other meetings in the area. Hope I didn’t inconvenience you too much.”

“No,” Perskine said. “Not too much.”

Freddie realised that he had somewhat misread Perskine. While he was a bit of a cold fish, he wasn’t as wet as he first appeared and that business was a better option than banter.

“Seen many other properties in the area, Mr Perskine?”

“A few. Mostly around Mayfield, Rotherfield, some of the villages around that way.”

“Seen much you like?”

Perskine shrugged his shoulders. “OK, I suppose. A lot of new builds.”

“Not your sort of thing?”

“Not at the prices they’re asking, no.”

“And who’s been showing you them?”

“Peterson & Lowe. You know them?”

“Aha. Yes, I know them alright,” Freddie chuckled.

“Something funny?”

“Oh, no. Peterson and Lowe are a good company. Very successful, do a lot of business.”

“But?”

Freddie sucked his teeth. “Not exactly known for the personal touch.”

Perskine’s eyes narrowed. “No… I suppose not. I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“Look, I’m not knocking them,” Freddie said. “They’re a big firm. Six offices, lots of agents, big contracts. All well and good, but sometimes the customer gets left behind in the shuffle, you know what I mean? They’ve got all these agents trying so hard to screw each other out of commission that sometimes they forget that people have to live in the places they’re selling. It’s one way of doing business, I suppose, but I’ve been in this game for twenty years and I’ll tell you something that most agents have either forgotten or never knew.”

“What’s that?”

“The property business is the people business.” 

Freddie paused a moment to let his great truth sink in, before then going on to expand on it. 

“Sure, we deal in bricks and mortar, but it’s about people. It’s about their homes, their businesses, their lives. Our homes and our places of business are where most of our time is spent. The connection you feel with a place doesn’t just boil down to facts and figures. It comes from here-” he took one hand off the wheel and touched the centre of his chest. “-you know?”

“Yes. I do, actually.”

“You trying that to the kids Waterson & Lowe have got working for ‘em and they won’t know what you’re talking about.”

Perskine nodded, but didn’t say anything and the two men sat quietly for a while. Freddie glanced over at Perskine and saw that he was playing with his wedding ring. 

“You married?” Freddie asked, nodding at the gold band on Perskine’s finger.

“Oh. Um… yes.”

That ‘um’ told Freddie a lot.

“She’s not coming with you to look at houses?”

“She’s in the States at the moment. Working. You know how it is…”

Freddie nodded. He suspected there was some doubt as to whether the wife was coming back at all. From Perskine’s agitated state, Freddie guessed that he himself wasn’t sure of this fact and perhaps was banking on a new house and a fresh start to seal the deal. Perskine’s battered shoes and tatty briefcase told Freddie that money was tight, but a woman who flies to the states for business probably did alright for herself. People could be old fashioned, though - even career women who expected their husband to be the main breadwinner, even though he had no hope of living up her overachieving standards. Freddie had seen it all before, but said nothing. Instead, he just said: “You must miss her.”

Perskine looked surprised and said that he did. Very much. 

Conversation fell away again and as the A-road disappeared beneath the tyres of the Vauxhall Insignia. Perskine didn’t want to talk and Freddie was trying to ignore a feeling in his gut. Eventually, he could disregard it no longer and broke the silence.

“Can I be straight with you, Mr Perskine?”

“Um… Yes. Of course.”

“The house we’re going to look at probably isn’t for you. I mean, it’s nice enough, but it’s not going to be much different from anything Waterson & Lowe would show you. It might have the features you’re looking for  - two bed, one bath, blah blah blah - but it’s just a box on a street full of other boxes that all look the same. Fine if you like that sort of thing, but I get the impression that you’re after somewhere a little different. Somewhere that’s going to feel special. Somewhere that your wife will want to come home to. Am I right?”

Perskine looked at Freddie curiously, swallowed and then said: “Yes. That’s exactly right.”

“Then, if you don’t mind, I want to take you somewhere else. It’s a bit out of the way, but it’s a one-of-a-kind property that’s going for an absolute song. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I suspect it might be yours and if you’re willing to indulge me, I think you’ll find it’s worth your while.”

“Ok…” Perskine said, slightly suspiciously.

“If you don’t like it, we’ll go on to the terrace in Furness Road, but for the sake of half an hour, I really think you should take a look. All right?”

“OK,” Perskine said. “Let’s do it.”

“There’s just one thing I need to know beforehand,” Freddie said, “and it’s going to sound a little bit peculiar, but I ask you to bear with me and just be honest.”

“Sure.”

“Are you superstitious?”

Perskine’s eyes widened with surprise. “Not as a rule, no.”

“What about your wife? Would you say she’s given to that sort of thing?”

Perskine snorted and said: “She’s American”, as if that was all that needed to be said. 

“OK then,” Freddie said as he flicked his indicators to change lanes. “Let’s have a look then, shall we?”

“What does that mean, about being superstitious?” Perskine asked.

“I promise I’ll tell you everything,” Freddie said, “I won’t leave anything out. But after you’ve seen the property, OK?”

Perskine considered for a moment and then shrugged and said: “Fair enough.”

Pine Barrow didn’t so much stand on top of the hill as it did crouch. The farmhouse squatted low, as if ready to pounce on anything that dared to cross its path. Not much did, however, as the house was some 500 yards from the road, with only a jutted driveway connecting it to the thoroughfare. 

“That’s it?” Perskine said quietly as the car approached.

“That’s it,” Freddie said, glancing at his client and seeing that he was already taken with the place. Sometimes you needed to help them along, talk them up and point out the reasons they and the house were right for each other. Other times, though, you just needed to stand quietly by while they got acquainted. Pine Barrow wasn’t like other properties, but they could go through that later. For the moment, Freddie was content just to quietly by while Perskine fell in love with the place.

The car crunched its way along the surface of the rough driveway. It sagged and bobbed on the pitted path, but Perskine’s eyes never left the house. Once the car was parked, the two of them sat there for a moment. 

“You want to have a look?” Freddie asked.

Perskine just nodded, but Freddie knew that this wasn’t due to taciturnity. He was smitten.

Strictly speaking, Pine Barrow was a farmhouse, although it hadn’t served as one for sixty years. The surrounding fields had been absorbed by a neighbouring farm, then turned over to the National Grid and other anonymous concerns. The house still stood, however, and had been modified and adapted by each of its subsequent owners, with various extensions and enhancements extruded out from its core. At the centre of it all was a tough stone structure, impervious to the elements. So it had to be, for as much as its position on top of the hill afforded Pine Barrow stunning views, it also left it exposed to the elements. Rain, wind and hail lashed against it constantly and such barrages left no trees to offer cover in winter or shade in the summer. Still, the enduring strength of the building gave it character. While the surface was battered, its heart remained strong and the weathered appearance gave it character. Freddie let Perskine admire the front while he got busy trying to find the right key. 

The back door led straight into the kitchen, which despite being stripped of most of its features still had enough of them to make a good impression. Perskine’s eyes went straight to the Aga.

“Yeah,” Freddie said, “that’s worth about three grand in and of itself. Heats the kitchen, too. I’ve never used one myself - more of a microwave man - but people tell me nothing but good things about them.”

Perskine nodded, but said nothing. Freddie let him find his own way through the house, trailing him at a discreet distance and making comments only when they seemed necessary.

“Fireplace works,” he said as they went through to the living room. “From what I’m told, between that and the Aga, you won’t go cold downstairs. Upstairs, well, you can put electric heaters in the bedrooms and there’s an electric bar in the bathroom.”

Again, Perskine nodded and allowed himself to be led upstairs. In each of the bedrooms, he looked in wonder at both the rooms themselves and the views out of the windows. All three bedrooms were all of a good size and he started to see himself making a future in Pine Barrow. Both he and his wife could have an office of their own and fulfil their long held dream of working from home. The box room would make a perfect walk-in closet for her clothes and even though the bathroom was small, there was a huge bathtub in there. Big enough for two.

When Perskine had seen enough, Freddie took him back down to the front room and asked him what he thought.

“It’s… amazing,” Perskine said. “It’s really, really… amazing.” He shook his head. “But there’s no way I can afford it. I would love to live here, but it’s got to be five times the price of what I’m looking for.” 

“You’ll be surprised,” Freddie said and mentioned a figure that made Perskine’s jaw drop.

“That can’t be right, can it?” Perskine said, agog. “That’s like giving it away.”

“But nobody wants it.” Freddie said.

“You asked me if I was superstitious,” Perskine said. “Is it… haunted?”

“No,” Freddie said and they both shared a laugh at the notion.

“Not to my knowledge,” Freddie continued, “and I’ve lived around here all my life. I don’t believe in that sort of thing, but there’s plenty that do and one of them would have told me by now. It’s not haunted, but nobody’s lived here for over ten years.”

“Why not?”

“It used to belong to John and Freida Cooper.”

It was clear that Perskine didn’t recognise the names.

“They killed thirteen people in this house,” Freddie said. “Chopped them up and buried the pieces in the ground.”

That made Perskine’s eyes widen.

“Wow,” he said. “Here?”

“Yeah.”

Freddie watched as Perskine looked around the house, the new information altering everything he thought he knew about the property. 

“Amazing,” Perskine murmured. He turned back to Freddie. “Tell me more.”

“I don’t know a lot,” Freddie said with a sigh, “but from what I can recall, it was mostly hitch-hikers, or kids that had run away from home. They would offer them a place to stay for the night, or a hot meal and then… they would do away with them.”

“‘Do away with them’?” Perskine insisted. “How do you mean, exactly?”

Freddie sighed. “I don’t know all the details, but from what I recall it was mainly done with an axe from the woodshed. Frieda would make them dinner and she would flirt with them and then John would split their head open with an axe. There used to be a chest freezer in the kitchen. They would put the bodies in there for a while, then bury them in the cellar.”

“There’s a cellar?” Perskine asked.

“Yes.”

“Can I see it?”

Freddie looked at Perskine, as if considering whether he could refuse. Eventually, he relented.

“If you must.”

After the right key had been found, Freddie opened the cellar door and handed a large Duracell torch to Perskine, who switched it on and gingerly crept into the cold, dark basement. Freddie stayed by the door, where it was light. After a few minutes of wandering around and shining the torch here and there, Perskine turned back to Freddie. 

“How were they caught?”

“I think they got careless,” Freddie said with a shrug. “They’d been doing it so long, they probably thought they could go on forever. Living here, you know, away from people, they must have got further and further away from reality. They just got sloppy, by all accounts.”

“Still…” Perskine muttered. “Thirteen people…”

“Yeah.”

“And now no-one wants to live here?” Perskine said, running the torch beam across the cold dirt floor of the cellar. 

“Live here? No. People visit from time to time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Freddie sighed, seemingly disappointed that he was forced into this further revelation. “You know the type - people who get off on murder and stuff. You don’t get ‘em so much any more, but a few years ago, when the case was in the papers, they were up here pretty regular. I mean, I doubt you’d get any now, if that’s a worry…”

“And, what, they just wanted to look around?”

“Some. Others wanted… well, there were a couple of teenagers who came here one night and… they said it was one of them suicide pact things. Both of them took pills and never woke up.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah. And there was the homeless guy who broke in. Junkie, you know. Overdosed in the front room.”

“Blimey. And that’s why people don’t want to live here?”

“I suppose. It’s not like people think it’s haunted; it’s just that they know so many people died here. Not just with John and Frieda, but after that and all.”

“Was that all of them - the kids and the junkie?”

“No. There were a few more hitchhikers. They came here and never left. Nobody ever found the bodies. I think that when people come here, they sort of sense all the death in the air. That’s why most people don’t like it.”

“Huh,” Perskine said, taking one last look at the floor and ruminating on the secrets it held. “Well, that sort of thing doesn’t bother me. To be honest, I find it all quite fascinating. Has anyone ever written a book about it, because-?” 

Perskine stopped mid-sentence as a thought suddenly struck him. 

“But if they never found the bodies, how-?”

He turned to Freddie, who was standing in the doorway and watching Perskine very, very closely. 

“Um… I think I’ve seen enough now,” Perskine said. “Can we go back upstairs?”

Freddie didn’t move. He just smiled. 

“Really,” Perskine said. “I’d like to get out of here. Now.”

Freddie kept smiling.

He was, after all, in the people business.

9 - Safety

At 11:22 PM on Friday evening, PC Beresford and PC Dalton arrived at 18 Rose Hill Gardens to investigate reports of a disturbance. Neighbours had heard a commotion and the sound of a woman screaming. The house appeared quiet on approach, with a single light on in the first floor window. After ringing the doorbell several times,  the door was finally answered by Shirley Cobham, a petite woman in her early 50s. She was wearing a silk kimono and appeared indifferent to the arrival of the police. 

“Are you alright madam?” PC Beresford asked.

“You’d better come in,” she said. 

Mrs Cobham led the officers upstairs to the bedroom, where they found Jeremy Cobham lying face up on the bed with a sabatier carving knife sticking out of his chest. PC Beresford checked for signs of life while Dalton called an ambulance and reported it to the station. When it became clear that Mr Cobham was dead and there was no chance of resuscitation, Beresford - the older of the two officers - turned to Mrs Cobham.

“Did you do that?” he asked.

She nodded. Beresford placed her under arrest. While he explained her rights to her, Shirley nodded attentively and repeatedly murmured “whatever you say”. As she this was happening, Pc Beresford noticed a large purple bruise on Mrs Cobham’s neck. 

“Did he do that do you?” PC Beresford asked, pointing at the injury.

“Yes.”

“Did that sort of thing happen a lot?”

“Yes.”

“Is that why you did what you did?”

Shirley opened her mouth, but no words came out. Instinctively, her eyes went to her husband for instruction.

“It’s alright,” Beresford said. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”

The woman burst into tears, burying her head in her hands and sobbing violently. Beresford attempted to comfort her, but she refused all attempts at solace. 

PC Dalton was standing by the dressing table and motioned for his colleague to come and have a look at what he had found. 

Laid out on the dressing table were a ball gag, a riding crop, a leather executioner’s hood, sixteen crocodile clips, two pairs of handcuffs, a length of rope, assorted phallic objects and an ominous looking rubber thing with spikes on it. 

The younger PC grinned salaciously, but Beresford sighed with mild disappointment.

“We had one rule,” Shirley said, wiping away her tears and refocusing the officers’ attention. “If either of us weren’t comfortable we just had to say ‘apple’ and we would stop. That was it, ever since the beginning. Tonight’s our anniversary, you know. Twenty years today. He said he had something special planned, but all-” she said, indicating the items on the dressing table “-isn’t anything out of the ordinary for us. It’s meat and potatoes. I was sort of disappointed when he brought it out, but we got into it and he starts hurting me and it was good for a while, but then it got more than I could bear, so I had to say ‘apple’, but he didn’t stop, just kept going and going and I kept saying it and saying it, but…

“Afterwards, he said he couldn’t help himself. Said that he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. I knew that was a lie, so I went to the kitchen and I got the knife and I stuck it in him.”

She clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and turned to look at the body on the bed.

“Before he could say ‘apple’.”

Shirley looked at the policemen and asked: “Am I going to prison?”

Beresford said that he didn’t know. Probably.

“I hope so,” she said, before turning back to her dead husband and smiling. “I think I’d be good at it.”

8 - Salt In The Wound

Detective Sergeant John Durban sipped rooibos tea from his flask and watched as the SOCOs sealed off the street corner. Uniformed officers directed traffic down Queen’s Road and fielded angry complaints from drivers on their way to work. Ice on the the roads had already complicated the morning commute, but that same ice had led to the discovery of the body, further delaying the irate travellers of south-east London. Still, a crime scene was a crime scene and no amount of complaining was going to alter that. 

One of the Scene Of Crime Officers that Durban recognised came over and smiled a broad smile. It was Paula Gregory, a short stout blonde woman in her early thirties who had the manner of a PE teacher at a girls public school, but was one of the sharpest and most diligent technicians on the force. Durban had worked with her before and trusted her opinion above those of her supposedly more experienced colleagues.

“Morning Detective,” Gregory said. “Lovely morning for a murder, wouldn’t you say?”

“You’re sure that’s what it is?”

“Well, unless he’s a blooming contortionist, I don’t see how he could have stabbed himself in the back like that.”

Durban shrugged. He never ruled anything out unless he had to.

“Hang on a second,” he told Gregory, nodding across the road to the spot where his colleague was parking the unmarked police car, “I want Pierson to hear what you have to say.” 

The pair of them waited as Detective Inspector Derek Pierson got out of the car, ducked under the police line and strode over to join them.

“Morning, John. What we got?”

“Council workman was clearing the road of ice and found a body in the salt bin. Looks to be a white male, late thirties, early forties maybe. Stripped naked. No ID, no distinguishing features.”

“Cause of death?” Pierson asked, turning to Gregory.

“Won’t know for sure until the autopsy,” she shrugged, “but he’s got a deep knife wound in the back. From the depth of the wound, I’d say it’s a stabbing with a large knife, going in the full length of the blade, rather than a slashing wound.”

Pierson took out a packet of Marlboro Lights and offered the pack around. He was the only one who lit up. Durban offered him tea from the flask, but Pierson shook his head. 

“That redbush stuff?” Pierson said, taking a drag on his cigarette. “No thanks. I’d rather drink dog piss.”

That can be arranged, Durban thought. 

“Did you talk to the bloke who discovered the body?” Pierson asked, taking another pull off his cigarette before exhaling a massive cloud into the cold winter air.

“Yes, guv. Danny Corcorant. Works for the council as a labourer. Bit of a drinker from the looks of him, but he seems shaken up to have discovered the body. Don’t think he’s got anything to do with it.”

“How long’s the body been in there, you think?” Pierson asked Paula Gregory.

“Difficult to say. The salt preserves the body. Could be days, maybe even weeks.”

Pierson sucked his teeth in disapproval, then turned his attention to Durban, who was staring at the yellow salt bin.

“What are you thinking, John?”

“The Ancient Egyptians used salt as part of the mummification process. Well, natron actually, which is a similar chemical compound. I’m wondering if there isn’t some significance to this beside the mundane. I think I’m going to need to speak to someone at the British Museum.”

Gregory stared at the floor and Pierson resisted the temptation to roll his eyes. Durban was a good detective, but had a tendency to launch straight into an esoteric line of enquiry without first considering the more mundane (and perhaps more plausible) options directly in front of him. 

“Err… Maybe somewhere down the line,” Pierson said. “For the moment I want you to concentrate on the process these bins get filled by. I want to know whether the body was dumped here, or at the… refinery?” He shook his head. “Whatever the fuck it is that you call a place that makes salt. You understand?”

Durban nodded, but didn’t make eye contact with his superior.

“Was there anything else you wanted to know?” Gregory asked. “Otherwise I’ll get back to it, if that’s OK.”

“Go ahead,” Pierson said. Once the SOCO was out of earshot, he turned to John and murmured: “Come sit in the car for a moment. There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

Durban threw the rest of his tea away and followed the Super back to his Vectra. when they were both inside and the heater had run for thirty seconds, Pierson launched into it.

“It’s a bit delicate,” he said, biting his lip as he spoke. “I wanted to talk to you outside the station, you know, but there never seemed to be a good time. I had hoped we could talk about it over a pint or something, but you never come to The Eagle and it never…” The DI blew out his cheeks in exasperation. “Look, there’s no easy way to go about it, so I’ll just say it.”

“Right,” Durban said. He knew what was coming and it wasn’t a rebuke. If it had been a bollocking, Pierson wouldn’t have pussy-footed around like this. Instead, Pierson was finally going to tell Durban that he was seeing his ex-wife. This, apparently, was supposed hard for Durban to hear, which is why Pierson was making such a song and dance about it. Durban was bored already, but he knew he had a part to play, so read his lines like a pro.

“What is it you need to say?” he asked.

“I’ve been seeing Carol,” Pierson said. “About four months now. It wasn’t something either of us planned, but it just sort of happened and… well, it’s starting to become a bit more serious.”

Durban feigned shock by widening his eyes and looking out of the window.

“Wow. I… uh, didn’t see that coming.”

It was bullshit. Durban had deduced that there was a relationship between his ex-wife and his DI months ago. It didn’t bother him, but he knew that it was supposed to.

Pierson looked at him with grim concern. “Yeah, I know. I want you to know that neither of us planned it and that there was never anything going on while the two of you were married.”

“Really?”

“Really. I know things didn’t end well for the two of you, but that doesn’t mean… All I’m saying is that I hope that you’re OK with this. I know it must feel a bit strange - your ex and your DI shacking up - but I don’t want this to become an issue between us.”

Durban didn’t think that such a thing was entirely Pierson’s decision, but didn’t bother to say as much. Instead, he took a deep breath that was supposed to signify that he was taking it on the chin.

“Well… It’s come a little out of the blue,” Durban lied, “but I appreciate you being straight with me. And, you know… even though it didn’t work out between me and her, I do want Carol to be happy. If that’s with you… well, good luck to the both of you.”

“That’s very decent of you,” Pierson said, “very decent indeed. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, but…”

“It’s OK. I know how it is,” Durban said. He didn’t, but could pretend to if need be. Now that he was struck with the reality of his suspicions, he found them almost laughable. Of course she would choose Pierson. The two of them made more sense than he and Carol ever had. Carol liked George Clooney and Chicken Kievs. Pierson read Andy McNab and drank beer out of a can. 

“Listen, John, there’s a reason I’m telling you this now,” Pierson said. 

Because you finally plucked up the courage? Durban thought, or because you couldn’t take the guilt any more?

“Carol’s pregnant.”

And this time, Durban didn’t need to feign shock. A weight pressed down on his chest and was several seconds until remembered how to breath. When he did, he almost blurted ‘but Carol doesn’t want kids’, until he realised that this unshakable belief was his own assumption, rather than anything his ex-wife had ever expressed. The truth, it seemed, was that she didn’t want children with him. He felt a slicing pain in his gut, but decided to stow it away for later, when he could treat it at home with a bottle of Cachaça and a slow raking over old coals.

“Congratulations, Derek. That’s fantastic news,” Durban heard himself say. “I’m please for you both.”

Pierson looked at him with wary hope. “I know it seems a bit sudden,” he said, gabbing rapidly to work through his nerves, “but we’re not getting any younger and we might not get another opportunity. It wasn’t exactly planned. Not exactly.”

“I understand,” Durban said, staring through the windshield at a ghostly vision of Pierson impregnating Carol. It wasn’t a pretty sight and he didn’t want to watch, but his mind’s eye refused to close so he just stared at the phantasms.

“You’re OK with it?” Pierson asked. “Really?”

“Yeah. I didn’t think I would be, but I am. I really am.” Durban turned away from the sexual spectres outside the car and looked at the flesh and blood Pierson sitting beside him. “Carol will be a great mother. She deserves this chance to be happy. You both do.”

“Thank you,” Pierson nodded before leaning back and exhaling loudly. “Boy, I can’t tell you how nervous I was about that.”

“I’m sure. But thanks for telling me. I’ll call Carol this evening, but in the meantime pass on my congratulations, won’t you?”

“Will do.”

Durban nodded and kept a rictus grin fixed on his face. He didn’t know what else to say and there was a long pause as both men tried to find a comfortable exit.

“Well-” they both said simultaneously, before laughing about it.

“Better get back to it,” Durban blurted as he bundled himself out of the car. “I’ll see you back at the station.” 

Shutting the door behind him was a relief and each step towards the crime scene made him feel a little better. Each breath of the cold morning air cleared his head and the further he got from Pierson, the less sick he felt. Having the last word was Pierson’s speciality, however, and even in this delicate situation he couldn’t let it go. Durban heard his name being called through an open car window and was forced turn around and look back at the wife-shagging bastard. 

“Maybe give the BM a call about that mummification thing,” Pierson shouted. “You never know, eh?”

Durban nodded and gave a thumbs up - a gesture that felt utterly alien to him - and muttered ‘patronising wanker’ under his breath as Pierson rolled up the window and started to drive away. The Vectra beeped as it went past and Durban’s eye once again fell on the salt bin containing the body. He idly wondered how many roads around here were yet to be cleared of ice and whether Pierson’s Vectra had anti-lock brakes. While calculating the likelihood of a fatal accident, he walked back over to  where Gregory was standing.

“Mind if I have a look?” he said, pulling on latex gloves and looking at the corpse. 

“Be my guest,” she said. “He’s not going anywhere.”

Durban looked at the body in the salt. The white crystals looked like snow and even though the dead man didn’t look comfortable, there was a certain peace to him.

“Was he dead when he went in there?” Durban asked.

“Can’t tell at the moment. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy.”

“It would have hurt like hell, though, wouldn’t it?” Durban wondered aloud. “You know what they say about salt in the wound…”

Paula Gregory clucked her tongue and tilted her head to one side as she considered the point.

“Least of his worries, I would have thought.”

Durban wanted to look more closely at the body, but his vision was blurry, so he stepped back and turned away. 

“Everything all right?” Gregory asked.

Durban nodded and quickly rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his coat. 

“Let me know when you have something more,” he said, then turned and walked away. There was work to be done - statements to be taken, facts to be checked, theories to be considered. 

But all Durban wanted was to find a yellow bin of his own. 

6 - Dr. Kenner's Journal

Day 187
Johnson’s really starting to get on my nerves. I know it’s inevitable, given that we’re alone together in the Antarctic studying ice samples, but I really am beginning to find him quite tiresome. He keeps making the same jokes over and over again. If I hear him say one more time that he’s just popping out to the shops for a pint of milk, I think I might snap.

Day 188
I find it difficult to maintain my calm when Johnson insists on acting like a child. He seems to be under the impression that we’re in primary school and keeps playing pranks of the most juvenile order. I was pulling on my coat to go over to the supply station when I found that my hood was full of snow. I’ve got as good a sense of humour as anyone, but we are in a dangerous, unforgiving environment and cannot afford to take risks. I made this very clear to Johnson as I was scooping snow out of my hair and hood. He had the temerity to tell me to keep a cool head.

Day 192
Making good progress with Specimens 18-24, although it’s too soon to say whether the results we’re seeing are due to seasonal aberration or are part of a larger trend. Still, I’m pleased that the results are so consistent and it bodes well for further funding. I know that some of my peers thought it a mistake to begin with only a two man team, but I honestly believe I had no choice.

Day 193
Things got very tense in the lab this morning. Johnson thinks it’s hilarious to make farting noises while I’m recording notes on my dictaphone. Needless to say, I do not. Eventually, I had to tell him to stop it and he accused me of being a killjoy. No matter how many times I try to remind him that we have a serious purpose for being here, he always says that he’s just trying to lighten the mood. I suppose I shouldn’t blame him for that. I’ll try to be more tolerant.

Day 194
Johnson has been feeding the huskies chocolate again. I’ll have to take it up with him, because our lives depend on those dogs, but I’m not looking forward to another round of accusations and recriminations.

Day 195
As I feared, my casual enquiry as to the diet of the livestock caused Johnson to lose his temper and make all sorts of unnecessary and inappropriate comments. I was as calm as could be and stated once again that the huskies were not pets and in any case, chocolate was not good for canines, to which Johnson first stated that he was well aware of the facts and hadn’t been feeding them anyway. His story changes from minute to minute, but pointing that out to him only makes things worse. I decided not to press the matter any further.

Day 197
Things have been tense ever since Johnson and I argued about the huskies and Johnson has been sulking like a teenager. What’s worse is that he seems to be trying to deliberately act out. It’s happening in very small ways, but it makes for a very tense atmosphere.

Day 198
After seven hours of research, I decided to relax this evening by watching a DVD. Somehow, the player’s language settings have been compromised and it will only play discs with a Hindi soundtrack and Greek subtitles. I suspect this is Johnson’s work, but I can’t prove it. I decided to stick it out anyway and defiantly watched “Wallander” without understanding a word.

Day 200
Johnson still sulking, which means he isn’t talking much. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that he’s being quiet, as his lack of speech is offset by the incredible amount of noise he makes as he walks around the compound, crashing into everything in his path. It’s most distracting. When I try to talk to him about it, he says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. To be honest, I deeply regret assigning him to this expedition. While his professional credentials are impeccable, I now see that he is a deeply flawed human being and not the sort of person one should spend any amount of time with.

Day 201
I have been laid low with the most dreadful case of stomach flu I have ever encountered. Horrible D&V. Unable to move more than ten feet away from the latrine and have had to station myself in there with a laptop. I’ve not experienced anything it since I volunteered as a student in Nepal and drank some contaminated water. Truth be told, I haven’t experienced anything like this in any of the six other polar expeditions I have made (if anything, the opposite has been true and things have been rather difficult to accomplish). Anyway, I’ve been put into quarantine as a precaution. It’s giving me lots of time to think.

Day 202
Johnson made dinner that night.

Day 203
I keep turning it over in my mind and the more I think about it, the more suspicious I grow about Johnson’s actions on the night I got sick. He was peculiarly insistent about preparing the food, even though it wasn’t his turn. He’s usually rather truculent about about doing anything for anyone else, whether it’s expected of him or not, and yet he insisted on making dinner. At the time, I thought it was a peace offering, but now…

Day 204
Am I crazy for thinking like this? For all his faults, Johnson is a scientist who has dedicated himself to the betterment of humanity. Is it possible for someone like that to act in such a wilfully dangerous manner to a fellow scholar? I wish I could say no, but I’ve seen many a learned fellow act like a spoilt child when their carefully-constructed world views are challenged. Does that mean Johnson would endanger my health, just because of a few petty disagreements? A person would have to be severely unbalanced to even consider such a thing, wouldn’t they?

Day 205
Johnson moved a TV in front of the small window in the quarantine area and has been playing “Ever Decreasing Circles” through the porthole. No sound, of course, and the subtitle track is still all Cyrillic, but it’s a distraction from the dark matters at the heart of the Johnson situation. I’m feeling rather faint at the moment. I lost a lot of body fluid through my various expulsions and I’m finding it difficult to keep anything down.

Day 206
A face keeps appearing at the window, staring at me and doing a slit-throat mime. Sometimes it looks like Johnson and sometimes it looks like Richard Briers. They both have the same bobble hat. I want to get out of this room.

Day 207
I asked Johnson when I could come out of quarantine. He said it would be a couple of days yet. I don’t see what can be taking so long. It was just a case of stomach flu / food poisoning. Why would he insist on keeping me in isolation? Is it that the disease is worse than first thought, or is there another reason for not letting me out?

Day 208
I keep hearing strange sounds coming from outside the quarantine room. I don’t know what Johnson is doing out there. I don’t trust Johnson, but I need to earn his trust if I’m ever to get out of here. Although… maybe I’m safer in here, by myself. I’m not sure I’ll feel secure if I’m out there, where Johnson can get to me at any time.

Day 209
Quarantine over! I’ve never been so happy. Johnson said that the danger had passed, although by what means he determined this, I couldn’t say. Still, it felt good to be able to return to my quarters. It felt strange, being in the rest of the building, however. Things have been moved around and changed. All the photographs have been taken down from the communal areas and Johnson has moved the stereo system into his quarters. I thought it best not to ask why, as I would like to keep things cordial. Johnson is trying to act friendly and he even opened one of his precious bottle of scotch in order to celebrate my freedom. I politely refused, as I will not eat or drink anything that he has touched. I cannot risk being poisoned again. I’m out of quarantine, but that doesn’t mean I can relax. While I was in isolation, I only had one door to watch. Now, danger could some from anywhere.

Day 211
Johnson has become rather taciturn, whereas I find myself being more verbose than ever. Perhaps it’s a reaction to being in isolation, but I seem to have developed a serious case of logghorrea. It’s as if our roles have reversed - I’m full of blithe jocularity, whereas he is the very model of quiet suspicion. It’s frustrating, because I know there’s no real way to allay his fears without stoking them further. Such is the paranoid mindset. I’m grateful not to be in that frame of mind any more and it’s frustrating to see in manifesting in someone else. Of course, the question remains - why is Johnson so paranoid? What does he have to hide?

Day 212
Smothered Johnson in his sleep last night. I didn’t have a choice. He was acting so strangely that it was just a matter of time until he killed me. He struggled underneath the pillow, but the process was surprisingly easy. I realise that writing it down here is an admission of guilt, but when read amongst the other entries I’m sure it will all make sense. Surely anyone can see that I had to do it. Johnson was not only an impediment to the scientific progress of the project, but he was also mentally unstable and had proved on several occasions that he had homicidal intentions. I wish I hadn’t had to do it, but now that I don’t have to put up with his idiotic jokes any more I can finally get some real work done.

Day 213
Today was fantastically productive. I was not only able to analyse the latest data sets, but I also programmed an algorithm that will highlight anomalous trends and automatically correct the data. It’s wonderful to be able to work in peace and quiet. Johnson’s body is still in his bunk, but I don’t have time to deal with it now. I’ve got to catch up with work.

Day 214
Looking back over the research for the past six weeks, I’m shocked at what a bad state it’s in. Much of this is Johnson’s fault, of course, but I have to bear some responsibility for it as well. As I review the materials, I can see fundamental errors which never should have been allowed to slip through. Of course, The Johnson situation accounts for a lot of these mistakes and now that has been resolved I can go back and amend the original research data so that it is more supportive of my hypothesis. My only concern is that it may not be entirely ethical.

Day 215
Have decided to go ahead with the revisions. Presenting a coherent proof is more important than any fusty notions of empirical propriety. I rewrote the sample logs for the entire expedition and burned the originals. Wondered whether to burn this journal as well, but then realised that it is the only company I have nowadays. Without it, I might turn peculiar.

Day 216
Now that I’m free from the shackles of provability, I am doing some truly remarkable work. It seems that every hour I am making extraordinary discoveries which will revolutionise science. New theories present themselves in quick succession and my only problem is keeping up with them all. I originally came to Antarctica to do some piddling research on the deterioration of permafrost, but now I have stumbled on the great truth at the heart of the universe. I thought I needed a laboratory and funding to conduct my work. Now I see that all really needed was isolation. Great work can only take place away from the chatter of modern society and the tedious business of other people. I just need to keep working. No time for sleep. No time to eat.

Day 218
Frustrating day. Am on the verge of discovery, but nothing seems to be fitting together properly. Johnson mocks me from beyond, not with jokes and false flatulence, but with a noxious stench that distracts me from my work. The odour of his corpse really is most unpleasant, but I cannot allow myself to become distracted. I am on the verge of greatness. I haven’t studied physics since secondary school, but I am drawing up plans for a perpetual motion machine.

Day 219
Work on the PMM has hit a wall and for that I blame Johnson.

Day 220
Johnson’s body has disappeared. I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t think I moved it, but I can’t say for sure. I’ve been so busy that it’s difficult to keep track of everything. Maybe I took him out of his bunk and buried him in the snow. I don’t remember. Whatever happened, it means there’s less of a stink in the sleeping quarters, which is good. Back to work.

Day 221
The perpetual motion machine was folly. Madness. I can’t afford to get sidetracked with these distractions. I have no business dabbling in physics and must limit myself to my field of expertise. With that in mind, I am refocusing on practical, rational science - the transmutation of lead into gold.

Day 223
Stripped all the lead out of the Support Centre. It affects the insulation and I had to pull out a lot of wiring to get to it. As a result, half of the electrical systems have gone down. Am wondering now if I have the necessary reagents to perfect the alchemical process. I was going to check the stocks in the supply centre when I felt snow in the hood of my coat. I don’t know what this means.

Day 224
It occurred to me today that I couldn’t remember the last time I fed the huskies. When I went out there, only three of them had died. Only three? Surely more should have perished through starvation? Unless… has someone else been feeding them? Is it possible that Johnson was only pretending to be dead and has in fact been hiding in the facility this whole time? His sabotage has been subtle, but effective. It would explain why none of my experiments are working as they should.

Day 226
Spent the day hunting for Johnson, but still he eludes me. It’s difficult to stop looking, but I realised that by making me chase him, he’s doing exactly what he wanted - stopping me from working. It’s difficult to see a solution. If I leave him alone, he wins. If I chase him, he wins. It’s enough to drive you crazy.

Day 227
I think I’m hearing voices. Not Johnson’s voice, though. These are new. Strange. They keep repeating the same phrases over and over, asking if there is anyone there. Of course there’s someone there. Me. I’m here.

Day 228
Turns out the voices were just the radio. Had a good laugh about that. The relief team will be coming in 3 days. I have just 72 to hours to find Johnson and beat the truth out of him.

Day 229
Doing everything I can to bring Johnson out of hiding. Sometimes I try to act friendly and other times I threaten him, but nothing seems to work. I’ve tried using blasting Mantovani through the PA system because I know how much he hates it. Still, he refuses to come out from wherever it is he’s hiding.

Day 230
I killed all the remaining huskies today. I know how fond Johnson is of them and hoped to provoke some reaction from him, but to no avail. I’ve searched everywhere on the base, but he’s nowhere to be found.

Day 240
Well, this is confusing. The relief team came this morning and quickly asked what happened here. The strange thing is that they keep calling me Johnson and asking what happened to Dr Kenner is. The leader of the relief team is a man called Peters, who says he’s met me before, but if that’s the case, why won’t he use my proper name? I’ve stated time and time again that I am Kenner, but they won’t listen. It’s all so strange. They’re talking about taking me somewhere, but I don’t know what they mean. They’ve asked to see my journal and I’m happy to give it to them, as I think it will explain everything. With that in mind, I think this will be my last entry, at least for a while. Hopefully, this misunderstanding will be cleared up and I can return to my studies.

I think I’m on the verge of something important.

5 - One In, One Out

On the 1st of January at 12:02 AM, the following took place at The Wash nightclub in Dalston. 

On the roof terrace:

Graham shuddered to the first orgasm he had ever shared with another person and thought that this was going to be the best year ever.

Florence suddenly wondered if she had remembered to take her pill. She was pretty sure she had. Almost definitely.

Paul was one of many people who were pretending they couldn’t see the couple shagging behind the azalea bushes.

Simone was wondering why there weren’t any fireworks.  Weren’t there supposed to be fireworks on New Years Eve? Where were the fireworks?

Fergus was considering throwing Simone off the roof if she didn’t shut up about fireworks.

Tammy was having her last cigarette before quitting.

Keith was trying to discreetly roll a spliff without attracting too much attention.

Georgina thought Keith looked like a young Jeremy Vine. Apart from the dreadlocks, obviously.

Maria was trying to get people singing and didn’t understand why no one was joining in.

Claudette was one of several people wondering why Maria was singing “How Much is That Doggy In The Window?”

Hadley wanted to go back inside.

Sandeep was wondering who his ex-girlfriend had kissed at midnight.

Tara thought she and Sandeep had a future together.

Harry was wondering who the fuck invited their dad out for New Year’s Eve.

Ron was talking about the pills back in the day and how you just had to take one and you were on one for the rest of the night.

Chas hadn’t felt old until he’d seen the expressions of amused contempt on the faces of those kids as they took the piss out of his brother.

Billy looked at the skyline and wondered what the year ahead would bring.

On the upper staircase:

Caroline was crying.

Julianne had her arm around Caroline, was rubbing her shoulder and said “there, there” but wasn’t really in the mood to be going through these dramas so early in the evening.

Nicholas stood around awkwardly, wondering what – if anything – he could do.

Genovese was knocking on the office door, so Ken could reset the credit card terminal.

In the office:

Ken was busy racking up lines of coke. 

DJ Dan Diamond was promising himself that he would stop taking crappy bookings in these shitty two-bit clubs.

Chantelle was wondering if Ken expected her to shag DJ Dan Diamond.

Vicki wished she’d been able to get tickets for Ministry.

Pete was fairly sure he’d once had a handjob from DJ Dan Diamond at a festival in Berlin.

In the stock cupboard:

A mouse was nibbling on a pistachio nut.

In the first floor bar:

Sam was ignoring his boss’s previous warnings about drug use and necked two pills behind the bar.

Georgia thought that if Sam wanted to keep his job, he should either be more discreet or learn how to share.

Hamish still couldn’t get served, even when there was nobody else standing there.

Chris wasn’t sure whether to say Happy New Year to Pauline or Sabrina, so just stood there with his arms half outstretched to the room in general.

Sabrina was hugging Pauline and telling her that it was going to be their year. THEIR YEAR.

Pauline wished that Sabrina hadn’t eaten so much garlic before coming out.

Freddie was waiting for Sabrina to shut up so he could say Happy New Year to Pauline.

Tim was putting something in Pauline’s drink.

Kenneth wasn’t sure he wanted to hang around with Tim any more.

Michelle was wishing that she had stayed at home.

Tom was wishing that Michelle would take that look off her face and at least pretend to have a good time.

Carol hoped that she and Julius didn’t end up like Tom and Michelle.

Julius felt homesick.

Maxine was sick, but kept her mouth shut and was doing her best to swallow it without anyone noticing.

Jack tried to make a move on Maxine and didn’t understand why she wouldn’t kiss him.

Sharon watched Jack make a fool of himself and knew that she would be the one he went home with at the end of the night.

Andy thought he definitely was in with Sharon.

Penelope suddenly felt a sharp pain under her chin, like she’d been punched by an iron fist. She fell to the floor and was dead before reached it.

Kevin thought that Penelope was just staggering because she was drunk and was about to laugh at her. Then he saw the blood.

Jocasta was about to slap that fucking bitch that was bumping into her.

Coralina wished she’d worn better shoes. That heel was just about to snap.

Patti wasn’t going to be able to take her top back tomorrow. Not with Bacardi spilled down the back and sweat in the pits.

Carl had his hands on the skinny arse of some girl he had been introduced to twice, but whose name he had forgotten.

Jemima wondered if wanting to get off with a black guy - any black guy - was racist.

Callie had never seen what happened to Jemima when she drank and now understood why she generally only had lemonade at their works do’s.

Samson wanted to know why this one wasn’t as much fun as her friend.

Roxanne wondered what the point of wearing makeup and putting on nice clothes when guys went for scruffy old tarts.

Jack thought seventy-five a gram was extortionate, even for New Year’s Eve.

Toby would have given the gear away for free if it meant he could go home and be with Joy and the baby, but Ansell needed his money and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Sandra watched the deal go down and reminded herself that she was off-duty.

Bea was only pretending to be drunk. It was the only way she could justify acting the way she did.

Kayleigh wondered why Bea had to get so wankered every time they went out.

On the lower staircase:

Kyle was explaining this theory about a universal consciousness and how we are all different vibrational frequencies of the same energy.

Sharon had no fucking idea what this guy was on about.

Pauline was just pleased that she had found somewhere to sit down. 

Derek had surreptitiously bombed a load of speed and wanted to head back to the dancefloor.

Rose made a joke about ants in the pants, then blushed furiously for no discernible reason.

Luke had no idea that the woman he was snogging would be his wife by this time next year.

Cora was glad she had brought mints and condoms out with her.

Dave skipped down the stairs two at a time, keen to get back to the serious business of strutting his stuff.

In the gents toilet:

Bill was completely missing the target and pissing all over his shoes.

Kamal couldn’t go.

Wendall was thinking that if he didn’t pull tonight, he might try being gay for a bit.

Nigel was remembering the time he ate a urinal cake for a bet and had to go and have his stomach pumped. Why didn’t he have nights like that any more?

David didn’t notice that there was blood in his piss, but could feel the stinging sensation.

Pete was trying not to be rude as he knocked on the cubicle door, but he was about twelve seconds away from shitting his pants.

Clyde told whoever it was outside knocking to fuck off and die.

Jacques was tapping his arm, trying to find a vein.

Andre hated toilet men and tried not to make eye contact.

Keith smiled as he held out a towel to the guy washing his hands.

Idris waited patiently for his turn and was careful not to make eye contact with anyone or any thing.

In the main room:

DJ Cheddar didn’t care if it made him a sellout - this year he was definitely going to produce a mash-up version of “Auld Lang Syne” and make a fortune.

Cheryl had dropped a contact lens and was weighing up the pros and cons of trying to find it versus spending the rest of the night winking like a pirate.

Liz wished she wasn’t on her period.

Kevin thought Liz smelled funny.

Theresa had dropped six pills and didn’t feel a thing. If she saw that scrawny fucker that had ripped her off, she was going to rip his tits off.

Dreamer was just there for the music. He didn’t hold with this new years shit.

Christos had been dancing for over and hour and hadn’t moved his feet once.

Sami thought house was for poofs and hairdressers, but these girls seemed to be into it, so…

Hector made the box.

Charlene liked to dance, but preferred it if guys were a bit clumsy. For some reason, she found it reassuring.

Veronica had been saving the last few drops of her vodka and coke for twenty minutes, waiting for someone to buy her a drink.

Bettina wondered why she was getting funny looks.

Lewis didn’t want to stare, but couldn’t help but notice that girl’s dress had gone totally see-through.

Bernard didn’t mind staring at all.

Francis thought they didn’t make tunes like this any more, even though the song had, in fact, only been released three weeks ago.

Indigo would rather have been in Bali.

Karl couldn’t work out what that guy was so upset about.

Frank knew trouble when he saw it and was pushing Karl and Dayton away from the dance floor.

Dayton was pissed off they had to leave. That girl in the see through dress was hot.

Fiona saw the flash above the crowd and thought it was a firecracker.

Ben did his best to aim Stephan’s hand way from the crowd, but couldn’t stop him from pulling the trigger.

Stephen had got the gun from his uncle and would have used it on that pussyhole motherfucker, if Ben hadn’t smacked his hand upwards and sent the shot into the ceiling.

Jason felt his eardrum burst as something loud exploded near his head.

Isaac knew what that pop meant and started running for the door.

Jen wanted to know where the fuck Isaac was going.

Freya didn’t know what the fight was about, but felt certain that her stupid little brother had been the cause of it.

Gemini thought it was typical. You couldn’t go for a dance without stupid men ruining everything.

Inga wanted chips.

Marco was feeling self conscious, but didn’t want anyone to know it.

Heidi was never drinking Jagermeister again.

Delores was considering a round of Aftershocks.

Jacqui thought she might go blonde this year.

Krystof kept one eye on his rucksack, which was in the corner of the room.

In the ladies toilet:

Kirsty had noticed that one of her pupils was larger than the other and couldn’t stop staring at them.

Petra was wondering if her top made her look too slutty… or not slutty enough.

Christine was systematically washing every square centimeter of her hands while counting to five hundred and fifty five.

Jessie was using her lipstick to write “Cora is a big fat slag” on the cubicle wall.

Verity was wondering whether she could ask the girl in the next cubicle if there was any loo roll in hers.

Kat thought she felt something snap in her nose as she took that last bump.

Gina didn’t like the way Kat was scratching.

Louise had totally emptied her stomach, but still had the dry heaves.

Clair was holding back Louise’s hair and wondering whether putting her in a cab and sending her home alone made her a bad person.

Joe was having his first night out as a woman and apart from a couple of odd looks here and there, was actually starting to have a good time.

In the cloakroom:

Petra realised that she’d forgotten to put any tickets on hangers and was looking intently at items of clothing to see if she could remember to whom they belonged.

Paolo slid an iPhone out of a coat pocket and put it in his bag.

On the door:

Ansell was telling a pissed student to fuck off home.

Miguel was laughing.

Donald didn’t know why these guards were outside his hall of residence and wouldn’t let him go to his room.

Tania was one minute into the New Year and had already broken her resolution to stop smoking.

Heidi was wishing she’d worn tights. It was freezing out there.

Donna thought that drunk guy went to her university and might be on her Introduction to Economic Theory course.

Marie was trying to get a signal on her phone to send messages to all her friends.

Penny had a signal, but no messages.

4 - Last Christmas

Jim and Toby had both worked in the health service long enough to know that you took Christmas when you could. Jim was a radiographer and was rostered on-call for the 24 hours spanning Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, while Toby was a paramedic working the graveyard shift of Christmas Day evening to noon on Boxing Day. They resolved, therefore, to have their own little Christmas on the 23rd, in Jim’s flat, while everybody else was still shopping and making last minute preparations. It was early days in their relationship. They had been introduced by mutual friends at a work function some four months earlier and while neither of them were quite ready to say it, both thought that this could be something special. 

Jim had sensed a certain coolness in Toby towards the idea of Christmas, but did his best to convert his ex-council flat into a snug winter grotto. He lit candles and decorated the small tree he had paid over the odds for at Columbia Road flower market. While dinner cooked in the oven, he began mulling some red wine and the scent of spices, cloves and cinnamon filled the room. Adding to the christmas ambiance was a specially-purchased CD of Christmas music that played on the hi-fi. Bing was singing pah-rum-pum-pum-pum when the entryphone buzzed over him. Jim didn’t bother to check the tiny black and white screen on the video phone (the camera downstairs never worked anyway) and pressed the button to unlock the downstairs door. After putting the front door on the latch, he checked his appearance in the hallway mirror, fussed at the obstinate cowlick that wouldn’t stay down and then ran back into the kitchen to give the impression of being both casual and diligent. His eyes scanned the room. There was no time to change anything, but still he worried. He wanted everything to be perfect for their first christmas together.

Still, it didn’t pay to seem too keen, so he needlessly stirred the mulled wine as the footsteps on the landing got closer and clumped their way towards his front door. 

“Brrr,” Jim called, “it’s cold as fuck out there. Close the door and get your admirable backside in where it’s warm.”

Jim wore a smile on his face as he turned the corner from the small kitchen to his modest hallway, but the expression dropped off his face once he saw the figure standing there, dressed in a black coat with a fur-lined hood that obscured his facial features.

The hooded figure stood there without saying anything.

“Um… hello,” Jim said.

The hooded figure didn’t reply.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Jim asked, but still the hooded figure said nothing. 

Jim glanced back into the kitchen, where a sabatier carving knife gleamed on the sideboard. Two steps back and it would be in reach. 

“Toby…?” Jim asked, mentally calculating distances and arm lengths and staying out of the hooded figure’s immediate snares. “Is that you?”

When the hooded figure raised his hands, Jim flinched and very nearly made a dive for the carving knife, but within seconds the gloved hands had popped down the collar of the parka and revealed Toby’s grinning face.

“Merry Christmas!” he said. 

“You dick!” Jim gasped, smacking Toby lightly on the arm. “You scared the shit out of me in that thing.”

“You like it?” Toby said, giving a slow twirl so Jim could see the back and front of the long padded parka. “A&F sale started early. 40% off. Can you believe it?”

Jim shook his head. “You’re an arse.”

“Yes, I am,” Toby nodded solemnly. 

Jim started to turn back to the kitchen, babbling inconsequentially about turkey and marinades when Toby caught his arm and gently pulled him back towards him.

“Hey,” he said. “Merry Christmas.”

And one long kiss later, Jim forgot all about being angry. 

The rest of the evening went well. Once dinner was finished, they retired to the sofa and gave each other their presents, each gently chiding the other for going above their pre-approved spending limit. As they lay on the sofa in each others arms, each thought about the year ahead and realised that they were looking forward to the prospect of spending it together.

They sat, looking at the glow of the gas fireplace, quite content just to be with each other and let the music wash over them. As the Carol of the Bells faded out, a more synthetic melody started seinto the mix.

Jim felt Toby tense up in his arms.

“What is this?” he asked.

“This?” Jim said, “You must know this. It’s the greatest Christmas song ever written.”

Synthesizer pads gave way to a jaunty drum-machine pattern and a familiar voice started singing from the iPod speaker dock.

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart #

“Stop it,” Toby muttered.

# But the very next day, you gave it away #

“This year,” Jim sang, accompanying George Michael on the stereo, “to save me from tears,”

“FUCKING STOP IT.”

Toby stood up, wrenching himself from Jim’s embrace and marching over to the stereo and hitting the stop button violently. 

Jim, surprised by this sudden development and dabbing away the wine that had been spilt by Toby’s sudden outburst, asked what the fuck that was about.

Toby, breathing deeply and apparently shaking with rage, got enough of his breath back to say:

“I just… don’t like that song.”

“Really? You don’t like Wham?” He narrowed his eyes in mock suspicion. “Are you sure you’re gay?”

Jim’s attempt at levity faltered before it ever had a chance. Toby looked at him with an expression that said he wasn’t in the mood to play.

“Don’t ever play that song again, you understand me?”

Usually, Jim would have said that it was his stereo and his flat and he would play whatever he felt like, but there was something in Toby’s expression that told him not to. The petty anger slipped away from him and he stood up and went over to console Toby, who now appeared to be on the verge of tears.

“Hey,” Jim said. “What’s this about? It’s a song, that’s all.”

“I know, I know,” he said. “It’s stupid. It’s just that it reminds me of…” 

“Reminds you of what? Come on.”

Toby let himself be led back to the sofa and sat down. Jim refilled both their wine glasses and Toby took a greedy slurp, draining half of the large balloon glass in one go. Jim took Toby’s other hand - the one still holding the iPod - in his and held it.

“Can I trust you?” Toby asked after a few deep breaths. “I know it’s only been four months, but I feel like we have something here.”

“Me too.”

“I’ve never told anyone this,” Toby said, his voice shaking, “but if I tell you, will you swear never to tell another living soul? Even if we break up, or I turn out to be a wanker or any number of things happen, I need to know that you’re never going to tell anyone about this. Can I trust you to do that?”

“Of course you can,” Jim nodded. “Really. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. Whatever it is, I won’t tell a soul.”

Toby nodded and took another gulp of wine before proceeding.

“I guess you know that I’m not really into the whole Christmas thing. I mean, today’s been great, but as a rule I don’t really celebrate it. No, it’s more than that. I hate it. I have ever since I was six years old.

“You haven’t met my mum yet. That’s not an accident. I love her and everything, but I know how difficult she is to be around. She’s one of those hard women, you know? She sees the worst in everything, just because that’s hjopw she’s had to survive. She brought me up by herself and with all the problems she had along the way… I don’t know. It’s not like I can excuse some of the things she did when I was growing up, but I also can’t blame her either. For better or worse, she did what she could. 

“I know that she loved me, even if it felt like she didn’t really like me most of the time. I look back on it now and she was only sixteen when she got pregnant, her family turned their back on her and never spoke to her again. My dad fucked off before I was born and nothing was never easy, you know? We never had much of anything and I suppose I learned from an early age that life was hard. Still, I wished that she wasn’t so… spiky. It’s the way I always think of her. She’s been better as she’s got older. A bit. I don’t know. You don’t want to hear about all of this.”

“I do,” Jim insisted softly. “I really do.”

“Anyway,” Toby continued, “even though things were always tough, Mum always made a big thing out of Christmas. She loved it and really went to town. She would buy a tree on the first of december and just cover the whole thing with tinsel and baubles and all the trimmings, I mean so much that you couldn’t even tell that there was a tree under all that silver and gold. She really pulled out all the stops for Christmas. She said it was the one time of the year when everyone was supposed to have a good time, no matter what. I loved it, but it wasn’t really because of the presents or the carols or the films on telly, it was just her. I liked it when she was happy and she always seemed more… loving, I suppose, when it was Christmas time. More fun.

“But there was another side to it, in that she would go out drinking a lot and leave me by myself. It’s one of those things that you just accept when you’re a kid, but when you look back on it you start to see that maybe being left alone when you’re six isn’t so clever. Sometimes there would be a babysitter or a neighbour, but a lot of the time it was just me on my own. I got used to putting myself to bed at night, but most nights when mum was out I wouldn’t go to sleep until I heard her come in. I couldn’t stay up, but I’d stay awake in bed I’d know that she had back OK and then I would go to sleep. Or I would try to, because Mum was never that quiet when she came home. She’d either put on The Osmonds and sing along, or she’d knock something over or she’d have somebody with hr and they’d make all sorts of noises, if you get me. But it was OK with me. I always felt better when I knew that she was back and I could sleep through pretty much anything she did. Like I said, it’s what you get used to, isn’t it?

“Still, this was Christmas Eve 1984 and Mum had left strict instructions that I was supposed to go to sleep. She said that if I didn’t, Father Christmas wouldn’t bring any presents for me. When she went out , I was kind of torn between wanting to sleep and wanting to stay up so that I’d know she’d got home OK. Anyway, it gets really late, and I must have gone to sleep for a little bit, because I woke up and I could hear noises coming from the front room.

“At first I’m happy, because it means that mum’s home and that we can have Christmas. But then I listen and it all starts to change, because I can hear my mum crying and talking really low. The crying’s not that unusual - she often had a case of Malibu tears when she came home - but the way she’s talking is different from anything I’ve heard before. I listen in the dark and I can hear that in between the sobs and the tears there’s another voice in the room, one that I don’t recognise, and my mum saying ‘please… please… please….’ over and over again. She’s begging this other person and that just fucking shocks me, because my mum never begged anyone for anything, not in her life.

“So, I think she might be in trouble and even though I’m only six, I don’t want anything bad to happen to my mum, so I get out of bed in my pyjamas and I go to the front room and look in through the crack in the door. 

“There, standing in my living room, is Father Christmas. I mean, it looks like Father Christmas from the adverts and the cards, you know - red costume with the white trim, big white beard, all that - but it all seems wrong somehow. I mean, I know that thing that they tell kids, that you shouldn’t stay up for santa, because you won’t get any presents, but that wasn’t the reason I stayed outside the door, looking in. It was… just wrong somehow. Little bits and pieces come back to me over the years. Some of them I think are true, some of them are just things that I think my mind’s tried to use to fill in the gaps. But there are some things that I know for sure. One was that this Father Christmas had his trousers around his ankles. I supposes that should have seemed funny, but it didn’t. He had a can of beer in one hand and he took a swig out of it and he looks down at where my mum’s sitting and says something that I didn’t catch. It might have been something about being a bad girl this year, or that might be one of the parts that my mind’s filled in. Either way, the next part definitely happened, because after he’s taken the swig out of his beer, he turns around and he says that she doesn’t deserve any presents and he takes his dick in his hands and aims it at the tree and the presents. And my mum, who never begged anyone for anything in her life, she wails and pleads with him not to do it. She says that she’s sorry and that she didn’t mean it and begs him not to do what he’s about to do. But that doesn’t stop him and he starts, you know, going all over everything. I mean, he’s pissing on the tree, on the presents, on everything. 

“And as he’s doing it, he’s singing ‘Last Christmas’ by fucking Wham.

“Mum tries to get up to her feet and I see then that it’s not because she’s drunk, it’s because she’s hurt. Her dress is torn and she’s got a black eye and a cut lip and as she tries to get up, I can see that it hurts for her to move, but this fucking bastard is still singing as he’s pissing on our christmas tree and she… she just lunges at him. I think she was just trying to get him to stop, but because he’s got his trousers around his ankles he falls over in a heap, knocking the tree over and falling into the presents and then he just fucking roars at her. I mean, it’s the only way I’ve got to describe it. He roars at her, he calls her a bitch and he’s trying to get his trousers up and get up and get his footing, when mum picks up this brass horse thing which always sat by the telly and she cracks him over the head with it. That doesn’t stop him, so she hits him again and again and again, crying and swearing at him until eventually he stops moving and he’s just there, laying on top of our christmas tree, the presents crushed beneath him, his red and white trousers still around his ankles.

“He was dead. I mean I didn’t really know what dead was, not properly, but I knew. I knew that my mum was hurt too, so I ran into the room and even though she was in shock, she took me in her arms and she just kept saying sorry over and over again. It’s the only time she ever apologised to me. I don’t know if she was sorry for killing him, sorry that I had to see it, or sorry for ruining Christmas. Either way… you see why I don’t like that song.”

Toby took a deep breath and looked at Jim, who was completely shell-shocked by what he had just heard. 

“It’s… dreadful.” Jim said. “I mean, you poor thing, to have to see that. It’s terrible.”

Toby shrugged awkwardly. “Yeah, I mean… people go through worse, right?”

Jim gawped.

“Listen,” Toby said, holding up his now empty glass. “do you mind if I have another drink?” 

“No, of course. Jesus. I’ll be right back.”

“And I’ll put the music back on. I’ll just skip past that track, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course. We never have to hear it again.”

“I’m sorry for making everything so miserable,” Toby said. “I didn’t mean to ruin everything”

“No, no,” Jim said soothingly. “That’s not how it is at all. I’m glad you told me. To be carrying that around for all these years… It’s dreadful.”

Toby pressed a button on the stereo and a new song started playing. A sweet melody filled the air and as Toby hung his head. 

“It has been tough,” he said. “I’m glad you understand. It’s just that most people don’t understand when you tell them-“

The sweet melody turned into a patented Wall of Sound as the Ronettes started singing and Toby accompanied them, slightly altering the opening lyrics as he did so. 

“I saw mom-my kill-ing Saaaanta Claus!

“Under-neath the mistle-toe laast niiiight!”

Toby was wearing the same expression he had done when taking down his hood. He pointed at Jim and jigged around the room, utterly delighted at the trick he had played. 

“You bastard,” Jim said. “You absolute fucking bastard.”

“I had you!” Toby crowed. “I really had you, didn’t I? Oh, it’s too sweet! Too, too sweet!”

Jim shook his head and had to turn away in disgust. Their first christmas together was also going to be their last.