15 - I Killed Moonbeam

Man, I really didn’t mean to do that, you know? It just, like, happened so quickly. We were out in the field, talking about this year’s crop and he started going on and on about how we had to get serious and have, like, a business plan and shit. I mean, that’s not my scene at all, so I thought I would just let it go, but he kept on and kept on and before you know it, we were having a fight. That’s a real step back for me, you know? I left all that violent shit behind me years ago. Anyway, words turned to shoves and before you know it, I’d grabbed the pitchfork and, well, now he’s got three holes in his chest and he isn’t moving. And, really, all I as trying to do was explain that the whole point of this community is to live in harmony with our surroundings, not try and rape it for profit, you know? I mean, one moment it’s getting accredited by the Soil Association and the next thing you’re getting endorsements from Nestle and Shell are installing a pipeline in your back yard, you know what I mean? He told me that I was being ridiculous and that it was “just like me”. 

Moonbeam, man… I don’t even know what his real name was. Suzie said it was Tarquin, but she might have been joking. She didn’t like Moonbeam at all. I wish I could say that she was the only one, but the truth is that he caused a lot of static in the group. I mean, a lot. Why do some people insist on messing with other people’s equilibrium? I wish I knew, man. I wish I knew. If I’d known that I wasn’t going to have another chance to ask, I would have asked - you know?

I didn’t mean to do it, but that’s not to say that I regret it. I’m not glad he’s dead, but I don’t want to get too caught up in the whole Judeo-Christian morality of it all. Death is just another state of living, you know? His spirit is still intact, so really we’re just talking about the transference of organic energy from one form into another. When you look at it like that, man, it’s just like boiling a potato. I really don’t want to get too hung up on it. I mean, I know he’s dead. I’m not a fucking doctor or anything, but I know he’s not breathing and there’s no pulse, so I suppose that’s that. 

Should I tell someone about this? Am I supposed to be a well-trained citizen and hand myself over to the ‘proper authorities’? I don’t know, man. I don’t like the idea of bringing the pigs on to our land. I know what they’re like. I’ve been kettled and fucking gassed man. How do you think they’ll treat a guy with dreads? You think they’ll believe me when I say I didn’t mean it? I don’t know man. I just don’t know. Karmically speaking, I think that bringing the babylon here would just throw everything out of whack, you know? So… maybe I don’t tell them? Can I do that? I mean, shit, the nearest phone’s a few miles away and Jocasta and the others have taken the van to the festival in Rotterdam. I could cycle, but I don’t like the look of those rainclouds. Maybe I should wait a while, smoke a jay and think about what to do next. Don’t want to be too hasty here, man, because that’ll get your chakras fucked up quicktime.

Also, y’know, there are other reasons not to bring the pigs here. I mean, Toby’s been growing magic mushrooms in the cellar and there’s about 50 weed plants just about to start budding. They’re just for our own personal use, but the amounts we’re talking about would probably get us done for distribution. Yeah, man, I don’t think bringing the police here would be cool with the others. I mean, it’s one thing to hand yourself in, but taking everyone down with me? That’s just low, man. That’s the work of a snitch.

So… shit. What am I supposed to do with him? No. Wait. It’s not “him”. It’s just his physical vessel, a shell that just contained his essence. And, really, he never seemed that comfortable in his own skin, so maybe I did his soul a favour. Maybe. Shit, either way, his shell’s lying there on the ground with blood seeping into the earth. I’m going to have to figure out what to do. You get so used to running everything through the group that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to make a decision without a campfire and a truth circle. Still, it’s kind of refreshing not to have to make sure everybody’s feelings aren’t hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m committed to the principles of collective consciousness and unified action, but it can get a little fucking long-winded at times. 

Focus, man. OK. Dead body on the ground. There’s nobody around, so that’s not a worry, but people are going to be back before too long and I can’t just leave him here. 

Can I?

I mean, all things being equal, I guess that would be the ideal solution, because eventually, he would biodegrade. Still, that would take a long time and there’s the smell to consider, So… I guess I bury him? Is that the best thing to do? I mean, we were just about to start planting the summer crops, so we’d be turning over the earth anyway. WHen the others get back, I can say that I decided to make an early start on it. In the long run, I think it would be the right thing to do. Moonbeam never really contributed much to the collective, but by burying him in the field garden, he would be helping feed us all for the upcoming year.

Except that we’re all vegetarians here. It’s one the guiding principles of the commune. What does it say about our decision to be meat free if we’re eating vegetables soaked in blood? I don’t know man, it seems kind of hypocritical. I mean, I know we won’t be eating meat as such, but still it feels like the thin end of the wedge, you know what I mean? Oh man, it’s one hell of an ethical dilemma. I really don’t know what the right thing to do is. On the one hand, unilaterally introducing blood and bone into the field is a contradiction of our cruelty-free farming process, but on the other hand, I’ve got to something with the body before it starts rotting. And, you know, wouldn’t it be more of a crime not to put his body to good purpose? I mean, it would be really wasteful. It’s not like we’re talking about testing perfume on animals here. This is a practical example of organic recycling, a testament to the circle of life. When you put it like that, I kind of dig it. 

Dig it. Yeah. That’s what need to do. Heh. It’s kind of funny. Sorry, Moonbeam, I know it’s probably not right to be laughing, but this whole thing’s kind of messed with my head. Don’t take it the wrong way. I think this is best for all of us. I hope you understand, but I know you probably won’t. I’m not saying that’s why you’re dead, but it probably didn’t help. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. 

I’m not doing this for me. Really, I’m not.

I’m doing it for us.